One good thing I’ve noticed since starting this blog is that I’m thinking about writing more. The downside is that it seems to happen when I can’t write for some reason or another, like on my commute to/from work.
I have to get up very early in the morning for work, and as a result aren’t always as fully awake as I might otherwise be. The mind works in funny ways when tired, and can latch on to the oddest things. I’ll let my mind wander (something it’s very good at), sometimes mulling over things from earlier in the week, and think to myself: “Man, that could be a good blog post!” Often these are complicated subjects, something I’ve tried to puzzle through either by conversing with my girlfriend or brooded on in my own head. The possibility of writing about it seems to focus my thoughts, organizing and streamlining them so they make more sense. I don’t even seem to have to actually write for this to happen; the mere idea of writing smooths things into place. Unfortunately, unless I do get a chance to write, these ordered thoughts quickly dissolve back into the chaotic background cogitation I often even have difficulty recalling what so fascinated me when I finally have a chance to write. This becomes the source of a detracting, neurotic voice, which says “Hey, don’t spend your inspiration when you can’t use it! Save it up, or at least write it down so you can come back to it later!” In the long run, this tends to discourage me from writing and thinking about writing at all.
The ride home is a different problem. You would think that after eight hours, starting at O’ Dark Thirty and going until Too Late To Eat Lunch, I’d be a quivering, exhausted puddle. Actually, since part of my job involves helping and interacting with customers, I’m generally pretty energized when I clock out. Unfortunately, this motivation does not seem to survive the 20-minute drive home. By the time I step out of the car my early morning has caught up to me, and I feel like doing nothing more than sitting like a lump in front of my computer (the TV is in the basement, and those stairs take work). I often end up goofing off for at least an hour, and by that time Procrastination has regrouped and started singing the siren song of “Oh well, it’s too late to do anything productive now, might as well play video games!” Then Perfectionism throws its two cents in with “Besides, even if you did try to get something done it would have to be a halfhearted attempt, and we’d end up with something that gives crap a bad name.”
Man, I hate those guys.
I guess what bothers me most is that the brainstorming without a chance to produce anything feels like wasted time. This is not the most rational though, I know, but there it is. I hope that having a “writing subjects” subroutine in the back of my brain at (most of) all times will help me in the long run, as some ideas may need developing, while others deserve to never serve the light of day. Also, not all ideas need to be developed; I’m still working on that And oddly enough, when I do write I tend to feel much more awake and energized for a while after (this entry seems to be the exception; I am fading fast). I just have to let go of the fear that ideas are a one-time, catch-or-you’ll-miss-it event that wiill NEVER RETURN. That’s easier said than done, though.
P.S.: If there are any typos in this entry, I blame micro-sleeps. And my mind is wandering somewhere fierce, then stopping in in the middle.