I Write, You Read (if you want, no pressure)

It’s weird, knowing that people read your blog.  I mean, sure, it’s one thing to write a post and get comments, but having someone come up to you face to face and mention it is somehow different.  Kinda surreal.  One of my friends compared reading my blog to being able to root through my underwear drawer.  Sorry to burst your bubble, but my underwear had a tendency to live on the floor (don’t worry, clean clothes and dirty ones are separate piles).  How’s that for personal over-sharing?

But knowing that people read my blog has other consequences as well.  For one, I’m more conscious about whether I have anything worth saying, or if what I write is going to be worth reading.  It’s likely just Self Doubt starting to whisper again, but I seem to be a bit susceptible right now, seeing as I’m running low on sleep.

I would do well to remember how lack of sleep affects me: I tend to end up in a depressed funk.  The problem with these funks, however, is I generally don’t realize I’m in one until I’m on my way out.  Depression has a way of subtly coloring your worldview until you don’t realize how bad it’s gotten.  It’s like when you don’t realize how bad your eyesight is until you get glasses. (n.b. I have not been formally diagnosed with depression, it’s just something I’ve noticed a tendency towards)

Anyway, like I said, I’m feeling some new-found pressure to Write Well, rather than just Write.  I should have seen this coming once I released this blog into the wild, but it’s still something to get used to.  If nothing else, the person I present myself as in public is not always the same as the one I am in my own head.  That’s not to say I don’t want or appreciate having readers (I do); I’m just trying to work something out in my own head via the written word.  I will say this: I think I am much more interesting when I am well rested.  So I will strive to stay that way as much as possible.  No promises, though.

I thought about apologizing, mentioning how I didn’t want this blog to become a “poor me” whiny emo fest (that’s what LiveJournal is for!), but then I realized that I think my goal of writing regularly is more important than writing only interesting things.  So while I cannot say that my posts will always be interesting, I will strive to make them so as I find things I want to say.  You don’t have to read my words, but I do appreciate it.  I am so far keeping up with reading (and approving) comments, and will endeavor to respond when I have something to say.

And hey, here’s to one week of daily posting!

2 thoughts on “I Write, You Read (if you want, no pressure)

  1. Theresa J Knight

    Thanks for sharing so authentically Joshua. You may feel you are unique…. I am too… but there are many, many people who can relate to you and your words. So, I hope you continue to write and endeavor to sleep better and more! I’ve come to believe that sleep is the #1 thing you can do for a healthy, well-functioning brain.

  2. L Challis Jensen

    I like your description of how it is difficult to know if you area a bit depressed or not. I experience fairly dramatic mood changes which can best be described as being connected to others and the world, or to be alone in an inner world of a mental electrical storm. In the storm, I cannot feel others nor act in a way that is emphatic to them. These are the things that help me stay out of the storm: good sleep, good nutrition, exercise in nature and a conscious attempt to feel my emotions, especially my warmth towards life and all of its mysteries. Theresa is my “canary in the coal mine” and is quick to alert me to the fact that I am drifting away into my sanctuary of isolation. As tempting as it is to go there to find reprieve from the pressures of life, my experience has taught me that nothing productive can be accomplished to change my situation while being so disconnected. Additionally, the biggest joy in my life to date is to love and to be loved by Theresa. While being disconnected, I miss out on my biggest joy. Thanks Josh, for sharing your thoughts…it is good to know that I am not alone with my challenges.

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