“The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel. —Steven Furtick

That one simple quote sums up a lot of what I’ve been trying to say recently, and a lot of what I’ve been dealing with.

I don’t know about you, but I spend a lot of time in my own head. I think about what to say, what I have said, what I could have said, what I should have said, etc. To say nothing about what I “should” do or haven’t done. I spend enough time there that I know (no pretense of rationality for this next bit) just how ramshackle my veneer of competence really is. I live with me, warts and all. And because I am so reflective, I tend to go over and over the same things time and again until the ruts start to deepen and I’m stuck brooding.

When I look at other people, of course, I don’t see that brooding and double thinking; how could I? Unless they share their thoughts (which we are most definitely socially programmed to avoid), I am forced to take things as I see them. Which is of course distorted by my own skewed brooding.

I guess what I’m trying to say is: everyone has issues. We just usually don’t see someone else’s as clearly as we see our own. They have the option of editing and choosing what mask to present to the world, whereas it is hard to truly hide anything from ourselves (not impossible, but the road of denial and self-delusion is a slippery one).

Through this blog, I have lifted the veil ever so slightly to let you see behind my scenes. Perhaps a bit too much. But I am starting to realize that my view of myself is really quite skewed. I’ve been critiquing myself and my rough drafts (of writing, of decisions, of anything) with others’ final, production-grade work. After all, most of the work that goes into things is invisible. In this light, it’s inevitable that one would feel inadequate.

It’s not going to be easy, to change the way I think about myself. In fact, I expect I will fail repeatedly, losing perspective. But I plan to keep on trying, keep on remembering that just because I’m closer to my own issues doesn’t mean they’re actually any bigger. But I will remember to try to keep things in perspective. And if when I need a kick in the pants, I’ll count on my friends to give it to me.

Literally or figuratively. It’s your choice.