I’m starting to realize that the majority of my psychological hangups result from the dissonance between who I am and who I (for some reason) think I should be. I’m not sure where these unrealistic expectations come from; the are likely self-imposed, but why? And is the assumption they’re self-imposed itself irrational? I feel like if I could know where these problems come from I could take steps to eradicate them. But since I don’t know where to start looking, and since I know I am somewhat biased when it comes to looking at myself (whether positively or negatively is left as an exercise for the reader), this is problematic.
Some issues are easy to articulate. For instance: I seem to lack a certain level of self-discipline, one which for some reason I feel like I should have achieved somewhere along the line during my years of martial arts training. I tend to hang out and socialize with people older than me, and often feel guilty that I haven’t “gotten as far” as they have (completely discounting their head start). Others are more arcane, like the feeling that I’m merely spinning my wheels on the path of life, or the guilt associated with doing something that isn’t “productive.”
Now, I am not saying that these hangups are rational. Intellectually, I understand that pretty much everyone else is floundering around as helplessly as I feel I am. But getting those nagging voices inside your head to shut up because of that is easier said than done.
The past few days (since I ranted about having too much to do) have been good, and I’ve been feeling better. I’m working to accept the fact that I don’t always have to be “productive,” and that my definition of “productive” likely needs to change. Does it make me happy? Does it fulfill one of my needs or wants? Then those activities should be considered just as productive as writing an essay. I’m also trying to curtail my perfectionism, which exacerbates all the issues outlined above (as well as others). It’s a slow journey, as the discouraging Funk waiting below whispers in my voice.
But The Funk lies. It is a part of me, true, just as it is a part of every human. But it does not need to be Me. It does not need to drive, or dictate policies that have no rational basis in reality. Even if attempts to silence the voice ring hollow, the effort must be made.
Hi, my name is Josh, and I am
messed up human.