I’m just not feeling it today.
I’ve had the day off work, but I just can’t seem to work up the motivation to do much of anything. Generally, I try to use my days off to catch up on things. Run errands, rebuild my blogging buffer, do laundry/dishes, etc. But for some reason today has been a non-starter. I mean come on: I’m even getting bored with the video games I’m supposedly using to pass the time!
Intellectually, I know that not everyone can be productive and positive all the time. But it’s still a rude awakening when I find myself in that place. And knowing something intellectually definitely isn’t the same as actually understanding and accepting it.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it on this blog before, but I think of myself as an “underachieving overachiever.” What does that mean? Well, I’ve spent some time in the past (up through high school, really) being an overachiever. I dedicated myself to my studies, did any extra credit I could get my hands on, and was generally very productive. Now, not so much. So I can’t help but feel like I’m wasting my potential when I don’t have anything to do.
I know this isn’t necessarily rational. But for whatever reason I feel guilty when I’m not “doing anything.” Even if what I need most is a mental health day. I’m sure my unreliable work schedule doesn’t help matters either; my days off always change, and I still think of Saturday and Sunday as the “weekend,” meaning that if I have a weekday off (like today) it somehow feels like I wasted it even if I treat it like what it is: a day to do nothing. And if I don’t treat it like a day off, then I find myself running out of spoons by the time I get to the weekend, when I generally have to work. It’s like I can’t win.
So like I said, I’m just not feeling it today. Maybe later I could get some good navel-gazing and self-psychoanalysis out of it, but not right now. I’m still going to go to fighter practice tonight; hopefully that will cheer me up. But for now I think I’m just going to walk past the dirty dishes in the sink and sit like a lump in front of the television.
If I can peel myself away from Tumblr and Cracked in the first place, that is.