Sometimes I wonder if I need to be a worse person.

Why do I say this? Well, it’s Wednesday, and I have to work this evening. It’s also the evening of fighter practice. As such, it’s one of two evenings I’ve listed myself as “unavailable” to work. And yet, I’m working. Do you see the conundrum?

The last time I tried to do something about this, I was told that “the needs of the business” needed to be respected, above my needs, apparently. I was also given the impression that my availability (you know, the thing that says “I CAN’T WORK”) was merely a suggestion, to be followed if and when it was convenient for everyone else but me.

And I don’t know what I can do to make my point. I could call in “sick,” but my somewhat overdeveloped sense of morality makes that problematic. And for whatever reason, I feel compelled by an odd sense of loyalty to a job that doesn’t reciprocate. Sure, I may be somewhat responsible for this situation; I obviously haven’t effectively insisted on my availability from my end. But if anything, that just makes me feel worse. Because now my brain is convinced this is somehow my fault, that if I was just a better employee with less demands, without a life outside the business, everything would be just peachy.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to rock the boat too much, since I need this job (or at least the paycheck). But I hate that it feels like my own good nature is being used against me. I’m being asked to sacrifice, without any payment in return. I’ll hate myself if I cave and work, and I’ll hate myself if I lie and call in. My own morality is being used against me.

I don’t know.