Can You Navel Gaze If You Can’t Find Your Navel?

So I’ve been thinking about what I posted yesterday, and how it’s a fairly typical representation about how I deal with issues. I tend to try to think through issues, analyzing them until they break down into nicely digestible chunks, at which point they can be more easily absorbed by my personality.

At least that’s what happens when it goes well. Sometimes the process will get arrested, and I’ll continue dwelling on an issue without actually doing anything about it. Like when your car gets stuck in the mud and the snow, and you sit there, hitting the gas, all the while digging yourself deeper into an inescapable rut.

But that’s who I am. I like to know why, as much as possible. About things in the world, of course, but about myself especially. I consider myself a kind of a pet project: after all, I’m always around (even when I’ve forgotten my book), and there’s always something to be done. When you have to turn off the light at night because it’s getting late, what else are you left with to do when you can’t fall asleep? Psychoanalytical echo chamber!

That being said, true and honest self-psychoanalysis is challenging. One’s issues often color one’s conclusions, and the most persistent problems are the ones we are least likely to want to analyze. As such, I find myself spinning my wheels much more than I’d prefer, or at least asking “Why?” without at least following through. The truth can be hard to swallow, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some subconscious resistance to it because of that.

I’m also starting to wonder if some of my personality traits don’t have an outside origin. Meaning, they are not a result of any one event or aspect of my upbringing. Rather, they are the result of a myriad of forces and influences that have mixed together in unpredictable ways to form something unique. If this is the case, then certain things may not be easily accounted for, and thus not easily broken up and digested. Sometimes the answer to “Why?” may be nothing more than “Because.”

As someone who wants to find a reason for everything, this can be disconcerting. But whether that’s because of some lack of objectivity on my part, or an analyzer’s inability to fully grok itself, I can’t say. It could be that I can’t fully observe who and what I am without becoming something other than myself.

That’s doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying though. It’s a fun exercise. And like I said, I’m always with me.

So I’ve been thinking about what I posted yesterday, and how it’s a fairly typical representation about how I deal with issues. I tend to try to think through issues, analyzing them until they break down into nicely digestible chunks, at which point they can be more easily absorbed by my personality.

At least that’s what happens when it goes well. Sometimes the process will get arrested, and I’ll continue dwelling on an issue without actually doing anything about it. Like when your car gets stuck in the mud and the snow, and you sit there, hitting the gas, all the while digging yourself deeper into an inescapable rut.

But that’s who I am. I like to know why, as much as possible. About things in the world, of course, but about myself especially. I consider myself a kind of a pet project: after all, I’m always around (even when I’ve forgotten my book), and there’s always something to be done. When you have to turn off the light at night because it’s getting late, what else are you left with to do when you can’t fall asleep? Psychoanalytical echo chamber!

That being said, true and honest self-psychoanalysis is challenging. One’s issues often color one’s conclusions, and the most persistent problems are the ones we are least likely to want to analyze. As such, I find myself spinning my wheels much more than I’d prefer, or at least asking “Why?” without at least following through. The truth can be hard to swallow, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some subconscious resistance to it because of that.

I’m also starting to wonder if some of my personality traits don’t have an outside origin. Meaning, they are not a result of any one event or aspect of my upbringing. Rather, they are the result of a myriad of forces and influences that have mixed together in unpredictable ways to form something unique. If this is the case, then certain things may not be easily accounted for, and thus not easily broken up and digested. Sometimes the answer to “Why?” may be nothing more than “Because.”

As someone who wants to find a reason for everything, this can be disconcerting. But whether that’s because of some lack of objectivity on my part, or an analyzer’s inability to fully grok itself, I can’t say. It could be that I can’t fully observe who and what I am without becoming something other than myself.

That’s doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying though. It’s a fun exercise. And like I said, I’m always with me.