I’ve had a really hard time figuring out what to write about lately. The motivation just hasn’t been there, and when I finally do sit down at the keyboard my mind just comes up blank. But I haven’t wanted to give up completely, hence the shorter posts towards the end of last week.

One interesting thing that happened after this post is that I found myself in a surprisingly good mood. I was awake. I felt extremely lucid and engaged in my activities and surroundings. I was even extremely motivated to do things, like work on projects, look for a job, and just generally enjoy life. It was a great feeling.

However, it was different enough from my normal day-to-day mindset that it game me some pause. Usually, I go through life with some low-grade level of detachment, where things seem to happen, but not necessarily to me. The whole “me” thing can get fuzzy too: I often feel like I’m playing a role, going through the motions, rather than actually “living” (whatever that means, but that’s a philosophical conundrum for another time). So my hyper-aware and hyper-attached state struck me as unusual, and thus not likely to last.

But I wanted it to last as long as possible, hence why I drew back from writing about it. I was worried that taking a mental step or two away would cause it to end that much quicker. I’m not sure if that was an actual risk, but it sure felt that way at the time. So I decided to enjoy it, riding the slightly-manic wave as long as I could.

Is that what “normal” people feel like? That constant level of attachment and engagement, of agency and motivation? Even now, as it winds down, the memory of it starts to fade. I enjoyed the feeling, but it was so different from my usual state that I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. I have no good idea what caused it, outside a chance comment inspiring a disproportionate amount of hope. And because I don’t know what caused it, I’m unsure of how to get it to return.

Analyzing yourself is hard, since by definition you are not objective. I have no idea if what I think of as “normal” (i.e., other people) is in anyway more common than what I think of as “habitual” (i.e., myself). I imagine that not everyone wanders through life as disaffected as I can get, otherwise there probably wouldn’t be anything getting accomplished. So is “normal” common? Am I missing out on something that everyone else gets to enjoy? I don’t know.

It was great for the few days it lasted, though.