I haven’t really thought about my architecture degree in quite a while. It’s been at least a year since I’ve actively looked for a job in the field, and even longer since I’ve brushed up on any of the design skills I developed. My professional credentials have expired, and whatever vestigial internship documentation file I started is likely scrapped. I’ve even made the reluctant admission (at least to myself) that I’ve pretty much given up on my chances of working as an architect. I’ve been so caught up in the day-to-day chore of living and paying bills that I haven’t really had time to do much else other than survive, let alone dream.

But today I noticed a message from one of my grad school friends, one who is working in the industry. He had forwarded me a few job listings related to architecture. A quick glance made them appear similar to so many other dead ends, that I was prepared to let them slide into obscurity.

But reading them struck a note, inciting a pang of emotion. A bittersweet feeling, of missed opportunity and what-could-have-been. It’s like when you see an ex somewhere, completely out of the blue. If you had known they were going to be there, you could have mentally prepared yourself. But instead you’re found with your defenses down and sent reeling. Even if it was a relationship that needed to end, it still hurts.

Is that what architecture is for me now? A path that has slipped wholly out of my grasp? If not, dare I reopen old wounds of rejection and failure? Would it be better to just move on?

Or is this the first stirring of new possibility, of something that could actually change my life for the better?

I honestly don’t know. There’s a lot of feels to work through, something I was not prepared to do today. It is true that I want to find a new job, get out of the early-mornings-and-weekends retail rut I’ve resigned myself to. I’m just not sure how best to go about that. Maybe this is the catalyst that can get me moving again. Or maybe it’s the salt that gets rubbed into an almost-healed wound. Or maybe I’m reading too much into this.

Yeah, probably that last one.