Not Yet Good, But Better

Another off day today. But luckily, not as off as yesterday, I think.

I didn’t get enough sleep last night, which has definitely contributed to my mood (or lack thereof) today. I got home from fighter practice last night and just couldn’t fall asleep until around 10h30. Back before I started working retail, this wouldn’t have been a big issue. But now that I have to be out of bed at 4am, every little bit of shut-eye counts that much more.

As you can likely imagine, the lack of sleep, when combined with my current wave of depression (let’s just call the Funk what it is), hasn’t exactly left me feeling very motivated or productive. But unlike yesterday, I decided to just own that feeling. I didn’t set any goals about what I wanted to accomplish (aside from writing a blog post, but even that didn’t get a hard, scheduled time), and I seem to be feeling better for it.

So what did I accomplish with my expectations at rock bottom? Well, I watched a couple episodes of Eureka on Netflix without feeling like I should be doing something else. I even sorted a good portion of my MP3 collection, discovering tracks I didn’t even know I had. I’m writing a blog post now, and after I’m done I’ll probably go play Dragon’s Dogma for a while until it’s time to go to fencing practice. Unless I change my mind. Which I might.

It’s been an illustrative experience for me, not resisting or feeling guilty about my depression. Rather than beating myself up over what I “should” be doing, I spent the day doing what I wanted to do, what I felt I needed for my peace of mind. It’s truly been a mental health day.

That’s not to say that the internalized drive to Be Productive And Do Something has been completely silenced; I’ve just managed to ignore it for a bit. And while I may freak out about it later, right now I feel pretty good. After all, if a cute dinosaur says it, it must be true, right?