My first stab at starting this entry was getting awfully melodramatic, so let’s try something more blunt and to the point:

My ex-girlfriend came back into town this weekend. She might be here to stay. I am less than thrilled.

Needless to say, I’ve got a lot of complicated thoughts and feelings on the matter, thoughts and feelings I might try to work out here on the page. We’ll see how that goes, since my primary coping mechanism so far has been to not think about things.

I had known she was coming back into town; she is still tangentially attached to my circle of friends and acquaintances, so the rumor mill started spreading word. But most people thought she’d be back closer to the end of the year, so I wasn’t exactly expecting to see her so soon.

Why is this such a big deal for me? Well, my time with her was my first serious relationship, and it was not a healthy one. In fact, I’m not sure how much of a stretch it is to describe it as emotionally abusive; I’m somewhat reluctant to use that descriptor, since I don’t want to seem melodramatic, but other friends and family I trust seem to think it fits, so we might as well roll with it.

Why is it such a big deal that she’s back? Well, she used to be part of our local SCA group, hanging out with a lot of the same people I do. And while that was nice when we were dating, it made things very awkward after we broke up. Luckily (from my point of view, at least) she ended up joining the military after we separated, and I haven’t had to deal with her for several years. But she’s apparently out of the military, and back in town. And I guess I’m worried she’ll come back to the SCA, and I won’t be able to avoid her.

Maybe my worries are unfounded. Maybe she won’t come back to the SCA, or maybe she’ll move on to a different group. Maybe I won’t have to deal with seeing her every week at fencing practice, a time I’ve generally been looking forward to as a chance to hang out with my friends. But part of me is afraid I won’t be so lucky.

I try very hard to be a nice person, to not speak ill of others or let my personal feelings cloud others’ view. Maybe she’s changed over the years, maybe she’s a nicer person. But even if she has, I don’t know that I can (or would even want to) deal with her again. It’s hard for me to set aside my history with her. And while I know avoidance isn’t always the best solution, it’s worked out pretty well so far.