Category Archives: Personal

Music I Listen To: Techno

It’s hard to write about yourself and something so personal as musical taste, but I continue to do so. FOR YOU!!1! Don’t forget about Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.

Believe it or not, there’s more to electronic music than just going OONTS OONTS OONTS over and over again. In fact, this is a genre I never thought I’d like growing up; at the time, it just seemed like so much noise. But I’ve developed an appreciation as time goes on.

I’ll repeat: categorizing genres sucks. Luckily this time I have help, in the form of Ishkur’s Guide to Electronic Music. If you’re curious, have a few minutes, and don’t mind listening to song samples, it’s a great way to pass the time. I was really surprised by how many of the songs I had been exposed to without knowing it. It’s definitely a blast-from-the-internet-past in terms of interface, and doesn’t include newer genres like dubstep, but it’s still useful.

Anyway, on to the genres.

Trance

It’s amazing how encompassing this genre is. So encompassing, in fact, that I really had no idea where to start. Luckily a friend lent me some of her music collection to get me started. For me, this genre includes the more dreamy (trance-inducing, if you will) tracks. You know, music you could put on in the background and just float away with. Or dance to by way of swaying back and forth. I find it relaxing (despite the tempo), yet not sleep-inducing. Artists like Robert Miles, VNV Nation, Front 242, are some of the bands I would include in here off the top of my head. And while it may not be completely orthodox, I’d probably lump Kraftwerk in here as well.

One thing that surprised me was how fond I’ve become of Goa Trance. It’s… trippy. It doesn’t tend to relax me the same way as other Trance music does, and sometimes seems to bleed into the next category.

House

If you lived through the 90s, and especially if you were into martial arts at that time, you probably heard this track. I think of this genre as a bit more “dance-able” than Trance, in that it inspires me to move more. Maybe some jumping up and down instead of swaying side to side (am I even making sense any more? I can’t tell). Artists I would put in this category would be people like Ryöksopp, George Acosta, Deadmau5, and of course Daft Punk

Daft Punk is interesting in how they seem to vary in style between albums. Homework was very funky, while Discovery scratched a lot of the same itch that Disco used to (did you know that album got made in to an anime movie?). Human After All swung back towards the funk, and Random Access Memories back towards disco. Interesting, no?

Chiptune

Oh man, right in the nostalgia feels. You remember the type of music that video games used in the NES era? Well, people are writing new music that sounds like that. Sometimes even using original hardware. And it is awesome. Admittedly, I often have to limit how much I listen to (the lo-fi stylings tend to grate after a while), but it’s a fun genre.

Music I Listen To: Classic Rock/Metal

The musical odyssey continues! Don’t forget about Part 1 and Part 2.

This is another wide category, but I’ve chosen to differentiate it from Pop/Modern Rock via both age and intensity.

Classic Rock

Seemingly the gold standard for what counts as Good Music™. It’s what “kids these days” don’t appreciate, myself apparently excluded. Like with Modern Rock yesterday, it would be a bit tough to listen to all the bands and artists I like. I listen to a lot of The Fox locally. But my favorite band has to be Queen.

The guys in my immediate family seem to have a tendency to fixate on one band for some reason or another. For my dad, it was The Beatles. For my brother, U2. For me, it’s Queen. I’ll admit that Wayne’s World had something to do with me becoming aware of Queen’s music. But since then, they’ve become a mainstay of my album rotation. Even if it does occasionally get me weird looks from some of my coworkers.

Metal

DEATH TO ALL BUT METAL! Okay, not really. But the song, while crude, is amusing. I’ll admit that there’s a lot of overlap between this genre and the previous. But I happen to like a lot of classic heavy metal and hair metal. Iron Maiden. Scorpions. Quiet Riot. Metallica. Queensryche. Dethklok You get the idea.

Honestly, this section is feeling pretty short because it overlaps so much with the one above and below.

Power Metal

This is definitely a sub-genre of metal, but one I listen to quite a bit. It tends to be a bit more symphonic or melodic, often incorporating fantasy or sci-fi themes. I came across this genre while in France, as it’s much more popular in Europe than it is in the States. Some bands include Kamelot (I did get to see them in concert), Blind Guardian (they have a concept album about The Silmarillion), Epica, Nightwish, Sabaton, and more.

For me, it fills the niche of something harder but still understandable (both in melody and lyrics). When I was still doing Taekwondo, I had to put together a creative form set to music for my 3rd degree black belt test. I ended up using “The Bridge of Khazad Dum” from The Lord of the Rings because I wanted something unique that wasn’t techno (this was the early 2000s) but still had a powerful beat. If I had known about Power Metal back then, I probably would have used something more akin to this.

Music I Listen To: Pop/Modern Rock

This is a continuation of the series I started yesterday, airing out the embarrassing laundry that is the music I listen to.

Pop

Let’s start with the most generic, meaningless category of all: Pop! I don’t listen to much in this “genre,” and the way it’s defined by popular culture is often vague enough to be useless for categorization. But let’s try.

I tend to shy away from many of the “popular” artists on the radio these days, but that doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally entertain a begrudging appreciation of artists like Katy Perry or Lady Gaga.

As I mentioned yesterday, I went through a phase when I didn’t listen to much else besides Classical music and Disco. Don’t ask me how I ended up with that combination, but there it is. I don’t listen to much Disco any more, but that type of beat does still show up in some of the more electronic music I listen to. During that period I listened to a lot of ABBA.

These days, my somewhat-guilty pleasure has jumped a few decades to 80s Pop for reasons just as unknown. Maybe it’s what I was exposed to as a very young kid? For whatever reason, that synthpop sound really just resonates with me.

Modern Rock

Modern Rock, on the other hand, is defined in my head as “newer music that is Not Pop.” Don’t ask me to define that any more concretely; I did warn you that this was going to be very subjective, didn’t I? One of my primary sources for this type of music is the local radio station Channel 933. Like a lot of people my generation, my tastes skew more towards the Alternative side of things (another useless descriptor. What is it even an alternative to, any more? Pop?). Bands like Yellowcard (reminds me of high school), Linkin Park (the angrier parts of high school) and others often crop up. Mumford & Sons. Florence + the Machine. Barenaked Ladies. Bloodhound Gang. I could go on.

There are a number of bands I was exposed to while studying abroad in France, and I usually associate hearing them with my time there. These include Muse, Interpol, and Starsailor. This is also when I first heard Johnny Cash’s cover of Hurt.

Like I’ve said, these are broad categories. If I listed everything I listened to we’d be here forever. If it’s played on Channel 933, I probably don’t hate it.

Except Jack Johnson. That guy annoys me.

Music I Listen To: Intro

I want to talk more about some of the philosophical points I made last week, but it’s a complicated topic, and the words aren’t coming as smoothly as I’d like. So while I continue to mull it around/procrastinate, let’s take a look at some lighter fare: music!

I think it’s safe to say that almost everyone listens to music of some form or other, and I am no exception. Music can be many different things. It can be background noise. It can be an intense multisensory experience. It can be an intentional soundtrack to your life. It can be a way to drown out the infernal shrieking of the baby in the plane seat behind you. It can be an expression of your innermost personality.

Need I go on?

In other words, there is something very human about music, both in its creation and its consumption. For me, it can be all of these things depending on what sort of mood I’m in or what sort of activity I’m pursuing. As such, I listen to a wide variety of genres and artists, which could be generously called eclectic.

I often half-jokingly say that I’ll listen to almost anything except Country/Western and Gangster Rap. I tend to use music to reinforce whatever mental state I’m in, whether to prolong it or hurry it along to its inevitable conclusion.

So what kind of music do I listen to? Well, I will say I’ve branched out since elementary/middle school; I went through a phase where all I listened to was either Classical or Disco. These days my taste seems to run the gamut from pop to death metal with some stopovers at techno along the way. So we’ll take some time the next few days and look over my MP3 collection, and all the sordid secrets held within.

Also, you’ll get to watch me struggle to try to categorize various bands and artists into subjective, ill-defined categories and genres. Come for the dirty secrets, stay for the angst! Truly, this will be a modern marvel of entertainment! That’s right, it’s time for the return of NOUNS I VERB!

(and yes, this entry is mostly a cop-out to give me more time to do said sorting)

Purposefully Unpurposed

Growing up, I was often told that I was “meant for great things,” or that I “had a great purpose set out” for me. I was told that I was special, that I was unique. That somewhere in my future there was a BIG THING™ somewhere in my future that would validate my existence and make me feel fulfilled.

I’m not sure that’s really the case.

Continue reading

Productivity?

I sent out a few job applications yesterday. It was the first time in a while that I’d done so. Nothing major, mostly just boilerplate cover letters to openings that I might be remotely qualified for. After all, I won’t get out of Retail Hell without at least some effort, right? But something funny happened after I sent out those emails.

I felt less productive.

Continue reading

Estrella

Over the past few days I’ve seen more and more of my SCA friends post and talk about getting ready to leave for Estrella War, and for the first time in a while, I’m kinda wishing I could go.

Estrella was my first big event in the SCA, a little over ten years ago. Until then, I had not done much outside of the weekly fighter practice. True, I had done some local events, like the Toys for Tots fundraiser, but that had been mostly as a bystander. I hadn’t fought in any tournaments, and my only melee experience was via small unit skirmishes in the horse barn where we held practice.

Nothing could have prepared me for my first war experience. Until then, I had considered a practice with 20 or more fighters a “large” one. But at Estrella, there were closer to 600 fighters. On each side. The sheer scale was overwhelming. There were times when the line of our shields stretched as far as I could see (in the admittedly dusty desert air) in either direction, to say nothing of the hordes of “enemies” massed across from us. There’s some indescribable feeling when you see a sight like that, an awareness of the like-minded fighters around you. It doesn’t make it any less intimidating, but it sublimates a not insignificant portion of your fear into exhilaration.

My first war was a magical experience, to say the least. Fighting all day (did you know there’s actually oxygen at lower altitudes?) gave way to a wonderful world of campfires and storytelling (and parties, but that’s never really been my thing) with the setting of the sun. I also learned several things. One: a mummy bag and thin Thermarest pad are not significant protection against the February desert cold when placed inside a large six-person dome tent. Two: taking along a loaf of bread, a jar of peanut butter, and a jar of Nutella (carbs, protein, and sugar!) as your only source of food will cause others to take pity on you and feed you whether you like it or not.

But like all things, these intense feelings couldn’t last. I’ve been to Estrella several more times and had fun, but the experience was just that: fun, not magical. This, combined with a growing undercurrent of discontent about how the hosts of the war treated their guests amongst my circle of friends, eventually leached most of the enthusiasm for war I had left. As such, it’s been several years since I’ve been back. Admittedly, my decision to go to grad school (and all the time and money constraints that entailed) had something to do with my decision, but it also seemed to be part of a larger malaise.

And yet…

For the first time in a while, I’m feeling a distant cousin of that first war’s excitement. I’ve heard that a lot of past complaints about how things were run have been addressed. People I know and respect are getting excited, and that can’t help but be infectious. I’m still not going to make it this year, but on the eve of my first war ten years ago, I’m starting to wish I could.

Talking Hard, Writing Easy

In case you hadn’t noticed, I’ve been in a ranty mood the past few days. And while these rants were cathartic, that has not been their only purpose.

As a rule, I don’t talk about my beliefs much. I am naturally introverted, and tend to keep to myself. I am also, as I’ve said in the past, somewhat too niche for my own good. This generally results in an impulse to not “rock the boat,” as it were. To keep my thoughts to myself, smiling and nodding along with whatever happens to come my way.

That’s not to say I don’t have my own thoughts. I do, as evidence by my last few posts. But I am reluctant to express these directly, especially in face-to-face situations. When I can see someone, I worry too much about offending them. I find myself paying especial attention to body language and tone of voice, making efforts to shift my conversational style (and topic) in a way that they will respond well to. I also tend to get overwhelmed by personalities stronger than mine. I would much rather let a comment or philosophy I disagree with slide by than instigate a conflict.

The spontaneity of face-to-face conversation also gets to me; I like to be able to take my time formulating my thoughts, ensuring that what I say is as precise and accurate as possible. If I tried to do so in conversation, the dialog would grind to a halt, to say nothing of the insecurity borne by lacking access to proper sources (unless one achieves Batman-like levels of preparedness).

I am also surprisingly adept at playing devil’s advocate, to such a point that I can often think of ways to refute my own point before I make it. Having done so, however, I am reluctant to actually make the point. If you think of a conversation as a game of chess, I possess the ability to think a few moves ahead, but the exponential expansion of point-counterpoint is hard to keep under control.

That all being said, the written format of blogging provides several advantages. Even though I am blogging under my own name, the fact that I am posting on the Internet conveys some semblance of anonymity: I can say things I would never say in a face-to-face conversation. I can take all the time I need to choose words and make points, both when writing the initial post and when responding to any comments or critiques. In short, I can account for a fair number of my shortcomings.

I also like to think that in some ways writing offers less chance of accidental offense. True, written communication lacks the nuance of body language and intonation an actual conversation does (there I go, countering my own argument!), but one has the ultimate ability to decide whether or not to read, or whether or not to skip certain articles.

Not that I hope any of you skipped what I have written over the past few days. I feel better after having done so, in effect taking the chance to may some thoughts that I usually keep to myself more widely known. While avoiding conflict is to be commended, after a certain point it becomes exhausting. People can assume things about you that are nowhere near true, just because you didn’t have the strength to disagree.

So this has been me attempting to strengthen those muscles. For those of you who have continued to read, thank you. If you have any questions about what I have written, please feel free to comment or email me privately. I hope you enjoyed this insight into my thoughts, and I hope to continue to give you a better view.

It’s probably going to be quite a ride.

I Want To Break Free

The dark voices inside my head were clamoring especially loudly this morning. You may know these voices. They’re the ones that say things like:

Maybe you are just lazy.”

You wouldn’t be in this situation if you just tried harder.”

If you’re miserable, you must have done something wrong.”

You screwed up, and there’s no way to fix it.”

You suck.”

In other words, all sorts of friendly, constructive things designed to encourage self-love and healthy worldviews.

I’ve made efforts to quiet these voices, but every once in a while they crop back up. Even when they’re not screaming at me, they’re all too often murmuring in the background, a never-ending susurration of bile and self-pity. But where do these voices come from? It’s different in everyone’s case, but I would think there are some common threads, ones that most likely involve unhealthy internalized philosophies.

I was not raised in a traditionally religious household. My family was originally Catholic, and I got as far as my First Communion before they moved on. After that, it wasn’t uncommon for us to refer to ourselves as “spiritual but not religious.” a moniker I used myself for some time. The kind of New Age spirituality that proposed positive thinking as a panacea and focused on the “energetic” nature of things.

In case you couldn’t tell, I don’t exactly subscribe to these ideas any more. But somehow I still find my life shaped by them, in ways that often blindside me. I must have been exposed to them at just the right age that they settled deep within my subconscious, and have since resisted determined (and not-so-determined) efforts to remove them.

Let me give you an example: I must have been in third or fourth grade, and my family was still going to Catholic church. Something must have been said to me at Sunday school that day (I don’t remember what), but it literally put the fear of Hell into me. I couldn’t sleep that night; every time I closed my eyes I was faced with lakes of fire and brimstone where I was convinced I would spend the rest of eternity for the most minor of transgressions.

Once my family changed faiths (which is really what it amounted to, in the end), that guilt stayed with me. But this time, it wasn’t because of something I had done, it was because of something I hadn’t done. “In a bad situation? Well, just think positive! Put your intentions out to the universe! Didn’t work? Well, you must have just not been trying hard enough! Everything happens for a reason!”

Telling a teenager/young adult who might be starting to struggle with undiagnosed depression to just “think more positiver” isn’t exactly the most helpful advice.

But somehow I still managed to internalize some of these ideas. One sometimes jokingly refers to “drinking the Kool-Aid” in reference to taking odd, outside-the-norm ideas to heart; it’s not so much that I drank the Kool-Aid, it’s more that I was exposed to it in an aerosolized form, absorbing it more through osmosis than anything else.

And I think that’s where some of my dark voices come from: the internalized, however unwillingly, teachings of my youth. And because we’re exposed to them so young, it can be hard to excise them later in life. They get laid into the foundation of our personality, literally shaping how we view the world. They are, in effect, already inside our defensive perimeter.

How can I get rid of them? I don’t know. In all likelihood, they’re a big enough part of my personality that I may never be rid of them. At this point, the most I can do is to try and quiet the voices of doubt and guilt, keeping them at bay.

But in the dead of the night, when you’re alone with nothing but the darkness inside and the darkness without, it’s hard.