I have a weird habit.  In fact, it might be a form of self-sabotage: whenever I actually start to feel productive, one of my reflexes is to do a bit of work and then move on to something else, even if I’m still feeling productive.  It’s almost as if I’m worried I’ll run out of productive zazz, as it it’s some sort of limited resource.  But I have to wonder if I’m conditioning myself to stop working whenever I feel motivated.  And as a result, if my baseline level of productivity and motivation is in danger of decreasing.

This blog is a perfect example.  Multiple times since I started it today I’ve thought: “Hey, I’ve got a few ideas for posts, but let’s go play some Deus Ex for a bit.”  So far I’ve resisted that urge, and I feel great for it.  I’m energized in a way I don’t often feel these days, engaged in day-to-day reality more so than usual.

But I’m still scared of losing that feeling.

I guess that’s something I need to work on: not being worried about succeeding.

Huh.

In case you couldn’t tell from the introductory post, this blog doesn’t have much direction right now.  I’m hoping that will change as time goes on.  But why start a blog in the first place?  Well, I guess I’m looking for a more constructive use of my time.  Like many people of my generation, I struggle with a feeling of directionless in my life.  I have a job that pays the bills but isn’t very fulfilling.  I have two degrees that have proven fairly useless so far.  I’ve had aspirations of being a writer, but spend most of my free time surfing the Web and playing video games.

And that’s getting old.

So what do I hope to achieve?  I guess I hope that this blog will serve as a way of motivating me to get out of my shell and off my butt to actually do something on a relatively regular basis.  If it doesn’t pan out, it’ll be just one more thing to feel guilty about, and add to my pile of neuroses.  If I stick with it, I feel like it could be a useful way to express myself and do some cool stuff.

And fair warning: these first few posts are likely to be fairly rambling and disjointed.

EDIT: I figured out another way to say what I was trying to above.  It seems that the remote chance that someone else might read these words, that pushing them out into the aetheric series of tubes that is the Internet, is a different feeling than merely writing in a journal for myself.  It adds a sense of reality to things.  Sure, I may have to come back later and remove some of these early posts if this blog ends up taking a strong direction, but that would be a good problem to have.