I’ll be the first to admit I’ve been kind of a downer lately, both on this blog and in person. But I’m starting to become amused with the ridiculousness of my angsty state of mind, and I take that as a good sign. One that means I’m once again coming out of a Funk.
Sure, my life isn’t ideal. I have a lame job that barely pays the bills, which leaves me too tired to do anything productive. I’m struggling to get ahead on the credit card debt I have, and I’ve got a whole bunch of student loans that at the current rate won’t be paid off for at least several decades. The free time I do manage to eke out is spent either in a mindless haze or falling behind on the myriad projects I have up in the air, ones that are mostly just good for feeling guilty about neglecting. I’ve got a host of psychological issues and hangups, more than I let on even on this blog or to my girlfriend.
It’s enough to make one want to curl up in a ball and ignore the outside world.
But you know what? Screw that noise. Even though I know the moment won’t last, I’m fed up with feeling sorry for myself. Yeah, I’m not perfect. Yeah, I could be doing more to better my situation. But all thoughts like that do is make me feel like a failure, and for what? Someone’s idealized view of “who you’re supposed to be?” I don’t know where this baggage came from (we can probably blame society), but I’m sick of it. And I’m sick of not being able to get rid of it.
I’ve noticed that my writing here has a tendency to reinforce whatever mood I’m in. In other words, if I’m depressed and turn to writing to vent, I just get more depressed. I originally thought that writing might help me move through emotions, but that’s not the case for now. So, I’m going to make a declaration. I will most likely fall short, but I want to try to keep the “poor me” entries to a minimum. That doesn’t mean I’ll stop writing about my issues (people did seem to respond well to my sharing), but I will attempt to do so with a more objective detachment.
So yeah, my situation sucks, and life is pain (anyone who says differently is selling something). So what? The least I can do is try to be happy by my own standards.