Deserving

Previously, I touched on some interesting language that has crept into my internal thoughts about the smartphone decision: the idea of “deserving” one, or nice things in general. If you’ll permit me some navel-gazing, I’d like to try and unpack that a bit.

I’ve struggled with perfectionism for a long time; for as long as I can remember, really. This has taken many forms over the years, from school to my own internal monologue. Events and screw-ups from years past, which I’m sure are largely forgotten by other involved parties, still shamble out from the dark depths of my psyche to ring their doom bell every once in a while.

I was always really hard on myself as a kid, much harder than my parents ever were. I would beat myself up so much before the formal punishment that all that would be left was a broken husk. I accepted what consequences were dealt, but more often than not felt they didn’t go too far. Caught setting the timer back on video game time? Losing the privilege for a week wasn’t enough: I took it upon myself to make it at least two. Less than perfect grades in school? I made myself miserable for several days of penance.

My family was also Catholic when I was young. Although I am not religious now, I was involved enough in my parents’ faith to complete my First Communion. Given my youthful perfectionism, I took to “Catholic guilt” like a duck to water. The unattainable ideals prescribed by Sunday school were ready-made to reinforce my developing neuroses. I can still remember being kept awake by nightmares of hellfire and damnation because I wasn’t “good enough” (although that may be a rant for a different time).

Long story short, I grew up feeling imperfect, and thus somehow justified when things didn’t turn out ideally. After all, it must have been due to some misstep on my part. Less than ideal situations were thus deserved, as penance for not being perfect. Conversely, it was unrealistic to think that things going well, or being rewarded, were the natural order of things. I would just have to “make do.” Graduated without career prospects in your field? You’ll just have to “make do” with a job in retail. Phone on the fritz? You’ll just have to “make do” dialing by hand and memorizing phone numbers. Hungry? You’ll just have to “make do” with tortilla chips and peanut butter (if you’re especially lucky).

Looking back, especially when it’s written out like this, I have to wonder if this guilt reaction could be an indicator of depression. Is it normal for kids to beat themselves up this way? I don’t know; one data point does not a trend make, and it’s not exactly something most people talk about. I’m not saying this is right or rational; I’m just trying to put into words some nebulous dark deity of my psyche. But how to fix it? Is it even something that needs to or can be “fixed?” I don’t know; like I said, I’m just trying to make sense of what’s going on inside my brain with words.

Heh. There I go trying to apologize for things again, feeling guilty about my inability to express myself. Oh well.

Politics And Gaming? Say It Ain’t So!

So I realize that this may look like filler, but I want the other post I wrote for today to go live at a more reasonable time. So in lieu of some deep navel-gazing, I would encourage you to watch this video:

For those of you who don’t follow it, Extra Credits is a web series about gaming and the games industry from an insider perspective, with the goal of educating players, developers, and the like in various aspects of game development and culture. This week’s episode took a decidedly political turn, looking at the American system of government as a poorly optimized system, and started proposing ways of fixing it.

Now, I know politics can be a touchy subject, but this video is refreshingly non-partisan (at least in my opinion) in its critiques and suggestions. It reminded me of Reality is Broken, a book by game designer Jane McGonigal that talks about ways that real life could be incentivized and make as engaging as the virtual worlds we create. The big point that the video makes is the current decoupling of actions and consequences a lot of our congress critters face.

So if you are as politically disgruntled as most people of my generation and have a few minutes to spare on an interesting thought experiment, you should watch this video. It sounds like they’re going to go more in-depth next week, so maybe tune in again on their YouTube channel.

The Big Black Dog

So I was surfing through Facebook, mostly avoiding writing (as one does), when I came across this video:

For me, this video does a good job of describing what it’s like to be depressed. It’s not just that you feel down or blue, it’s that sometimes you don’t feel at all. Not happy, not sad, not anything. Depression also has a way of inserting itself into all aspects of your life, getting in between you and the things and/or people you love. Even worse, it’s hard to feel bad about not caring when you don’t feel at all.

He also touches on another important point for me: the social stigma associated with mental illness. Especially in the happy-go-lucky ultra-positive subsets of culture, being depressed is often portrayed as a personal failure, one that results from “not trying hard enough” or some other oversight. News flash: some people physically cannot think themselves happy. Chronic depression is a result of brain chemistry, and cannot be consciously controlled.

I will admit, I have not been formally diagnosed with depression. But I have been diagnosed with ADD, and it is still a significant factor in my day-to-day life. Telling someone with depression to “just cheer up” is just as insulting as telling a kid (or adult) with ADD to “just sit down” and “try harder to concentrate.” I’m not a fan of saying things are impossible, but these dismissive imperatives get pretty darn close.

But as the video says, it’s not all doom and gloom (no pun intended). People with depression are traditionally isolated by their condition, but the Internet has given them a safe way to reach out to others going through similar things. It can be surprisingly encouraging just knowing you don’t suffer alone.

I guess that’s one of the reasons behind this blog, too. It’s an attempt to give voice to the random and often dark musings within my own head, to talk about the things that are still difficult to bring up face-to-face. And I’m not alone in that. A lot more people are talking about these things, and the more we read about it and drag that big, black dog into the open, the more acceptable it becomes, and hopefully the less powerful it becomes.

Until then, remember that the big black dog doesn’t have to run your life. I’ll remind you if you remind me.

More Stuff? I Guess…

Christmas tends to put me in a weird mood. And no, not just because of the saccharine yuletide cheer (KOSI 101 plays non-stop holiday music each year) or the way the season slouches ever-further up the calendar (they started before Thanksgiving). And it’s not just because I’m working retail now, which gives me a more close-up view of the annual consumer madness that overtakes people. No, I think it’s tied to stuff, and how we always seem to end up with more of it.

Yes, stuff. Go ahead and click the link. It’s worth it; I’ll wait.

Continue reading →

‘Tis Been The Season. Already?

Is it me, or did the big Christmas push start really early this year?

Maybe I’m just noticing it more. The past few year I’ve been otherwise occupied (grad school takes a lot of mental energy), so maybe this is the first year in a while that I’ve been able to pay attention. Working retail may have also exacerbated things. The lit trees and lawn ornaments are hard to ignore when they start cropping up at the end of October. And don’t even get me started on Christmas music.

I also tend to be fairly insulated from “typical” pop culture; most of my news and entertainment comes from online sources, and it’s much easier to see only what you want to see on the Internet (whether or not that’s a good thing, while important, is a different discussion). But my girlfriend and I have been watching Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., which ends up being a whopping one hour of television a week. But last week’s episode, which still aired before Thanksgiving, let me remind you, was so chock full of overly saccharine and downright condescending Christmas and Black Friday ads, we almost felt like cutting our losses and watching the episode online the next day.

Which brings us to Black Friday, that annual orgy of consumerism which has metastasized and is now encroaching on the Thursday of Thanksgiving itself. Did you know that Walmart started their Black Friday sales at 6pm on Thanksgiving itself? Given how long the lines tend to get, and the fact that the doors open at prime dinnertime, you’d effectively have to spend your Thanksgiving camping out, heating potted meat over a sterno can for “dinner.” Or spam; take your pick. The metaphor still works.

When did this start? When did we become unsatisfied with holidays staying in their respective parts of the calendar, in a nice, temporal chain? And am I alone in being annoyed–nay, enraged–by this trend?

I hope not, because it’s already making me sick of the season. I just want it to be over, so that the carols and commercials and pressure to “BUY STUFFS NAO” goes away. I don’t want to be told I need to show my love or display my self-worth by spending money I don’t have. In fact, being guilted into something generally has the opposite effect in the long run. Which is sad, as this time of year can be a great time to spend with friend and family, to reconnect and take joy in those interpersonal relationships that are often all too fleeting.

Bah humbug, I guess.

I Want This. No, That. Maybe. Nah…

As I’ve mentioned before, I don’t like making decisions. But of course, as an adult, I am unable to avoid them. As such, I’ve come up with a few ways of dealing with things. But those same methods, if taken to far, can loop back around and make the decision even harder.

A big part of the problem is that I’m not a big fan of change. I know, I know, only constant thing and all. But there it is. In fact, my first reaction when faced with change is to but on the metaphorical brakes and try to avoid it. If it can’t be avoided, I try to play for time so that I can perform “adequate research.”

How do I get around this? Well, it’s possible, with enough lead time. I find that if I can slowly sidle up to an idea or decision, deliberately not making confrontational eye-contact, I can get used to the idea without it being too scary. Basically, I treat my decisions and choices like an 800 pound silverback gorilla. During mating season.

One of the main ways I do this is to start researching. I find as much information as possible, from as many sources as possible. I guess the thought being that research is safe, keeping things in the realm of theory.

Case in point: as I’ve toyed with the idea of getting a smartphone recently, I started looking at various models and options. As a relatively techy person, this seemed like a good way to generate excitement and emotional buy-in (in other words, to distract me from the decision itself). As I did so, I started coming up with ideas and usage scenarios, convincing myself that getting one was a good idea. So far, so good.

But this roundabout process can also get away from me. It’s a good idea to have time to do research and brainstorm, but there is such a thing as having too much time. If I start the process too early in relation to the actual decision point, I move past coming up with reasons why I need something, and into coming up with reasons I don’t need it. Basically, I psych myself out.

I’m not sure why, although it probably has a lot to do with a subconscious desire to not have to make a decision (and yes, deciding not to decide is still a decision, but it doesn’t upset the status quo. Also, shut up). I start to try and differentiate between “want” and “need,” which brings us back to Wednesday’s post. After all, it’s easier to put off a decision if it’s for something that’s not “needed,” even more so for the seemingly superfluous “wants.” Once I loop back around to indecision the process has to start all over again.

Research, brainstorming, convincing, over-thinking. The trick is to arrest the process in between the third and fourth steps. That’s really the best time, for me, to make a decision. Of course then you risk replacing the last step with “Buyer’s remorse;” I haven’t figured a way fully around that on yet, but I think it’s a matter of selective denial and self delusion.

Oh well. Work with what you’ve got, I guess.