Monthly Archives: December 2013

It’s Not Just Me

Before I go further, you should go read this comment from yesterday’s post. It’s a great story that encapsulates the joys of Christmas-that-was and contrasts it with the stress and harsh reality of Christmas-that-is (and I hope you don’t mind me sharing it).

Wow. So whatever doubts I had that my Christmas ambivalence was just me are now gone. Apparently I touched a nerve for a lot of people. Whether it’s because of family history or the incessant march of capitalism, Christmas has lost a good share of its magic.

Whenever I write posts like this, I’m always reassured when I’m not the only one who thinks like I do. After all, I’m an introvert/ Most of my friends are introverts, too. This means we, for better or worse, tend to keep things to ourselves. Too often this ends up in thinking past each other, like when two wallflowers stand in opposite corners of a crowded dance floor lamenting that there’s nowhere to go sit down and read.

So yes, Christmas has lost some (read: most) of its grandeur for me. It seems to have been replaced by commercialism and cynicism; I’m just as guilty of planning around “If I get this for Christmas…” as the next person. I still remember that magic, and the fact that it’s been lost makes me sad.

But just knowing that I’m not alone in this has brought an ever-so-faint glimmer of that wonder back into the season for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever regain the aptly-named childlike wonder, but knowing that I have friends and family that care about me and understand me is amazing. And if you’ll permit me some sentimentality, it’s a great, touching Christmas present.

Thank you.

Christmas Desperation

I don’t know about you, but I just can’t seem to get into the Christmas spirit this year. I’m just not feeling it, and I’m not sure why. All I know is I don’t seem to be the only one.

There’s probably several reasons. I’ve hardly done any shopping yet (I’ve started, but barely). I’m working in retail now (which could be worse). It seems unseasonably warm, even for Colorado (we’re a week out, and it’s in the 60’s). But mostly I think it has to do with the air of desperation hanging around the season this year.

It started before Thanksgiving this year. Now, I haven’t watched television regularly in years, but seemed the onslaught of holiday commercials invaded the airwaves earlier and with more ferocity than in years past. There were the requisite jewelry commercials: “How will she know you LOVE her if you don’t buy her DIAMONDS? Come spend your entire paycheck!” There were the pre-Black Friday sale adverts: “Who wants to spend time with their families when you can spend too much money on things you don’t need? COME ON DOWN!” And of course, the annual holiday specials: “Isn’t this time of year great? BABY JESUS RULES!”

And it doesn’t seem to be letting up. Practically everything I see seems to have a subtext that says: “Spend money! Enjoy yourself! If you aren’t ho-ho-happy, you’re doing it wrong! ENJOY SPENDING MONEY!” But for as widespread as that message is, it rings hollow. It’s like the ones saying it know it isn’t true, but need to keep up appearances lest the lurkers in the dark snatch them into the depths.

As a result, I think, the entire season is ringing false this year. And I don’t think it’s just me being especially cynical, mostly because that would be really sad. I mentioned on Facebook recently that a Doctor Who special filled me with more holiday cheer than all the Christmas songs, commercials, and knickknacks combined, and that’s true. Watching that episode filled me with the most holiday cheer yet, fleeting as it was.

But even if it isn’t just me, is this a new phenomenon? Or am I only now catching on to it? In years past, I’ve had the end of the semester to mark time; even before I went back to grad school, I worked on a college campus, and the rhythm of the school year was inescapable: once the holidays came and the final push was over, things wound down. But working in retail, it’s the opposite: things have been go-go-go since Black Friday, and likely won’t let up until after the new year.

Maybe that’s the problem: the lack of landmarks (like finals) has left me without a reference point. Has left me waiting for a cue that isn’t coming. Maybe the lack of final stress and focus has allowed me to see beneath the veneer of joviality. I don’t know.

But I hope it’s not just me.

Can You Navel Gaze If You Can’t Find Your Navel?

So I’ve been thinking about what I posted yesterday, and how it’s a fairly typical representation about how I deal with issues. I tend to try to think through issues, analyzing them until they break down into nicely digestible chunks, at which point they can be more easily absorbed by my personality.

At least that’s what happens when it goes well. Sometimes the process will get arrested, and I’ll continue dwelling on an issue without actually doing anything about it. Like when your car gets stuck in the mud and the snow, and you sit there, hitting the gas, all the while digging yourself deeper into an inescapable rut.

But that’s who I am. I like to know why, as much as possible. About things in the world, of course, but about myself especially. I consider myself a kind of a pet project: after all, I’m always around (even when I’ve forgotten my book), and there’s always something to be done. When you have to turn off the light at night because it’s getting late, what else are you left with to do when you can’t fall asleep? Psychoanalytical echo chamber!

That being said, true and honest self-psychoanalysis is challenging. One’s issues often color one’s conclusions, and the most persistent problems are the ones we are least likely to want to analyze. As such, I find myself spinning my wheels much more than I’d prefer, or at least asking “Why?” without at least following through. The truth can be hard to swallow, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some subconscious resistance to it because of that.

I’m also starting to wonder if some of my personality traits don’t have an outside origin. Meaning, they are not a result of any one event or aspect of my upbringing. Rather, they are the result of a myriad of forces and influences that have mixed together in unpredictable ways to form something unique. If this is the case, then certain things may not be easily accounted for, and thus not easily broken up and digested. Sometimes the answer to “Why?” may be nothing more than “Because.”

As someone who wants to find a reason for everything, this can be disconcerting. But whether that’s because of some lack of objectivity on my part, or an analyzer’s inability to fully grok itself, I can’t say. It could be that I can’t fully observe who and what I am without becoming something other than myself.

That’s doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying though. It’s a fun exercise. And like I said, I’m always with me.

So I’ve been thinking about what I posted yesterday, and how it’s a fairly typical representation about how I deal with issues. I tend to try to think through issues, analyzing them until they break down into nicely digestible chunks, at which point they can be more easily absorbed by my personality.

At least that’s what happens when it goes well. Sometimes the process will get arrested, and I’ll continue dwelling on an issue without actually doing anything about it. Like when your car gets stuck in the mud and the snow, and you sit there, hitting the gas, all the while digging yourself deeper into an inescapable rut.

But that’s who I am. I like to know why, as much as possible. About things in the world, of course, but about myself especially. I consider myself a kind of a pet project: after all, I’m always around (even when I’ve forgotten my book), and there’s always something to be done. When you have to turn off the light at night because it’s getting late, what else are you left with to do when you can’t fall asleep? Psychoanalytical echo chamber!

That being said, true and honest self-psychoanalysis is challenging. One’s issues often color one’s conclusions, and the most persistent problems are the ones we are least likely to want to analyze. As such, I find myself spinning my wheels much more than I’d prefer, or at least asking “Why?” without at least following through. The truth can be hard to swallow, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s some subconscious resistance to it because of that.

I’m also starting to wonder if some of my personality traits don’t have an outside origin. Meaning, they are not a result of any one event or aspect of my upbringing. Rather, they are the result of a myriad of forces and influences that have mixed together in unpredictable ways to form something unique. If this is the case, then certain things may not be easily accounted for, and thus not easily broken up and digested. Sometimes the answer to “Why?” may be nothing more than “Because.”

As someone who wants to find a reason for everything, this can be disconcerting. But whether that’s because of some lack of objectivity on my part, or an analyzer’s inability to fully grok itself, I can’t say. It could be that I can’t fully observe who and what I am without becoming something other than myself.

That’s doesn’t mean I’m going to stop trying though. It’s a fun exercise. And like I said, I’m always with me.

Deserving

Previously, I touched on some interesting language that has crept into my internal thoughts about the smartphone decision: the idea of “deserving” one, or nice things in general. If you’ll permit me some navel-gazing, I’d like to try and unpack that a bit.

I’ve struggled with perfectionism for a long time; for as long as I can remember, really. This has taken many forms over the years, from school to my own internal monologue. Events and screw-ups from years past, which I’m sure are largely forgotten by other involved parties, still shamble out from the dark depths of my psyche to ring their doom bell every once in a while.

I was always really hard on myself as a kid, much harder than my parents ever were. I would beat myself up so much before the formal punishment that all that would be left was a broken husk. I accepted what consequences were dealt, but more often than not felt they didn’t go too far. Caught setting the timer back on video game time? Losing the privilege for a week wasn’t enough: I took it upon myself to make it at least two. Less than perfect grades in school? I made myself miserable for several days of penance.

My family was also Catholic when I was young. Although I am not religious now, I was involved enough in my parents’ faith to complete my First Communion. Given my youthful perfectionism, I took to “Catholic guilt” like a duck to water. The unattainable ideals prescribed by Sunday school were ready-made to reinforce my developing neuroses. I can still remember being kept awake by nightmares of hellfire and damnation because I wasn’t “good enough” (although that may be a rant for a different time).

Long story short, I grew up feeling imperfect, and thus somehow justified when things didn’t turn out ideally. After all, it must have been due to some misstep on my part. Less than ideal situations were thus deserved, as penance for not being perfect. Conversely, it was unrealistic to think that things going well, or being rewarded, were the natural order of things. I would just have to “make do.” Graduated without career prospects in your field? You’ll just have to “make do” with a job in retail. Phone on the fritz? You’ll just have to “make do” dialing by hand and memorizing phone numbers. Hungry? You’ll just have to “make do” with tortilla chips and peanut butter (if you’re especially lucky).

Looking back, especially when it’s written out like this, I have to wonder if this guilt reaction could be an indicator of depression. Is it normal for kids to beat themselves up this way? I don’t know; one data point does not a trend make, and it’s not exactly something most people talk about. I’m not saying this is right or rational; I’m just trying to put into words some nebulous dark deity of my psyche. But how to fix it? Is it even something that needs to or can be “fixed?” I don’t know; like I said, I’m just trying to make sense of what’s going on inside my brain with words.

Heh. There I go trying to apologize for things again, feeling guilty about my inability to express myself. Oh well.

Politics And Gaming? Say It Ain’t So!

So I realize that this may look like filler, but I want the other post I wrote for today to go live at a more reasonable time. So in lieu of some deep navel-gazing, I would encourage you to watch this video:

For those of you who don’t follow it, Extra Credits is a web series about gaming and the games industry from an insider perspective, with the goal of educating players, developers, and the like in various aspects of game development and culture. This week’s episode took a decidedly political turn, looking at the American system of government as a poorly optimized system, and started proposing ways of fixing it.

Now, I know politics can be a touchy subject, but this video is refreshingly non-partisan (at least in my opinion) in its critiques and suggestions. It reminded me of Reality is Broken, a book by game designer Jane McGonigal that talks about ways that real life could be incentivized and make as engaging as the virtual worlds we create. The big point that the video makes is the current decoupling of actions and consequences a lot of our congress critters face.

So if you are as politically disgruntled as most people of my generation and have a few minutes to spare on an interesting thought experiment, you should watch this video. It sounds like they’re going to go more in-depth next week, so maybe tune in again on their YouTube channel.

The Big Black Dog

So I was surfing through Facebook, mostly avoiding writing (as one does), when I came across this video:

For me, this video does a good job of describing what it’s like to be depressed. It’s not just that you feel down or blue, it’s that sometimes you don’t feel at all. Not happy, not sad, not anything. Depression also has a way of inserting itself into all aspects of your life, getting in between you and the things and/or people you love. Even worse, it’s hard to feel bad about not caring when you don’t feel at all.

He also touches on another important point for me: the social stigma associated with mental illness. Especially in the happy-go-lucky ultra-positive subsets of culture, being depressed is often portrayed as a personal failure, one that results from “not trying hard enough” or some other oversight. News flash: some people physically cannot think themselves happy. Chronic depression is a result of brain chemistry, and cannot be consciously controlled.

I will admit, I have not been formally diagnosed with depression. But I have been diagnosed with ADD, and it is still a significant factor in my day-to-day life. Telling someone with depression to “just cheer up” is just as insulting as telling a kid (or adult) with ADD to “just sit down” and “try harder to concentrate.” I’m not a fan of saying things are impossible, but these dismissive imperatives get pretty darn close.

But as the video says, it’s not all doom and gloom (no pun intended). People with depression are traditionally isolated by their condition, but the Internet has given them a safe way to reach out to others going through similar things. It can be surprisingly encouraging just knowing you don’t suffer alone.

I guess that’s one of the reasons behind this blog, too. It’s an attempt to give voice to the random and often dark musings within my own head, to talk about the things that are still difficult to bring up face-to-face. And I’m not alone in that. A lot more people are talking about these things, and the more we read about it and drag that big, black dog into the open, the more acceptable it becomes, and hopefully the less powerful it becomes.

Until then, remember that the big black dog doesn’t have to run your life. I’ll remind you if you remind me.

More Stuff? I Guess…

Christmas tends to put me in a weird mood. And no, not just because of the saccharine yuletide cheer (KOSI 101 plays non-stop holiday music each year) or the way the season slouches ever-further up the calendar (they started before Thanksgiving). And it’s not just because I’m working retail now, which gives me a more close-up view of the annual consumer madness that overtakes people. No, I think it’s tied to stuff, and how we always seem to end up with more of it.

Yes, stuff. Go ahead and click the link. It’s worth it; I’ll wait.

Continue reading →