I really need to get my feet back under me when it comes to blogging. The past week or so, I’ve been mostly just writing filler stuff, using so many words to say “I don’t know what to write about.” I’m talking, but I don’t know if I’m saying anything interesting.
But today, oddly enough, I’m okay with that.
I have days where my lack of productivity bothers me. Where I feel the full force of internalized societal expectations. You probably know those voices. They’re the ones that call you a slacker if you sit at your computer all day. That look down their noses at you if you play video games all afternoon in your underwear. That sigh when almost two years later you’re still stuck at your “temporary” retail job. That give you grief for not “doing anything.”
And you know what? Screw those voices.
I’ll admit, I find myself listening to them more often than not. But every once in a while I find a state of mind where those concerns just wash over me. At those times I get the closest to an all-encompassing happiness that I can remember.
I sometimes wonder if my martial arts training, with its emphasis on self-control and perseverance, doesn’t sometimes work against me. Do I really need to be strong and moving forward all the time? Or is it okay every once in a while to just lay back and
be a bum enjoy life? That rigor can be great as an ideal, but I’m only human.
And that’s what it boils down to, and what I have such a hard time accepting: I’m only human. I make mistakes. I have limited energy reserves. I can’t do everything.
And that needs to be okay.
I’m not there yet, at least not all the time. It’s a scary thought, admitting you’d rather be happy than “productive,” especially when you’ve been taught that being productive makes you happy. After all, I can write a statement like that, but getting my mind to understand, accept, and grok that is a wholly different challenge. One that I’m not always sure how to tackle.
But I figure enjoying my rare days of clarity is a good place to start.