It’s gonna be another short post today; I’m still cogitating on things. I’ve had the day off, and even managed to have a productive morning. Even better, I stayed largely on task until lunchtime! Of course, for every lurch forward there’s a shuffle back. My afternoon has largely been lost to internet surfing and games (not even the one I want to be playing, but that’s a different issue). But hey, progress is progress. I did recently read an article on Cracked that seemed relevant: “5 Things That Have to Happen Before You Fix Your Crappy Life.” For those of you who don’t read Cracked, I think it’s a great website. It seems to set itself apart from the myriad other “listicle” sites by actually taking the time to occasionally say something profound and useful. All with a dash of humor and self-deprecation, of course. But this article was quite timely for me, since I am feeling the need and motivation to “fix [my] crappy life” right now. It reminded me that, if nothing else, it’s necessary to remember that there is no set end point to self-improvement. Change comes slowly and incrementally, such that you often can’t see how far you’ve come (or if you’ve moved at all) until quite a ways down the line when you can look back properly. In addition to being slow, none of these steps are easy. I’m trying to accept that, while at the same time not getting discouraged. I’ll probably fail and backslide more than once, but hopefully my overall progress will be forward. In other words, you should read the article.

There’s not going to be much of a post today. Don’t worry, it’s for what I hope are good reasons. I’m in a surprisingly good mood, and I’m trying to hold on to that, since it seems to be motivating me to actually do stuff. But it’s taking a lot of effort, and it’s making me think quite a bit. I’m not ready to share those thoughts yet, but let’s just say I seem to have managed to at least temporarily the soul-sucking apathy that comes with working retail.

So I’m going to try to milk this motivation for all it’s worth, while at the same time trying to get it to stay around. Oh, all while trying to get my thoughts in order. Hopefully that wasn’t too vague to be encouraging. I’ll keep you posted.

I haven’t really thought about my architecture degree in quite a while. It’s been at least a year since I’ve actively looked for a job in the field, and even longer since I’ve brushed up on any of the design skills I developed. My professional credentials have expired, and whatever vestigial internship documentation file I started is likely scrapped. I’ve even made the reluctant admission (at least to myself) that I’ve pretty much given up on my chances of working as an architect. I’ve been so caught up in the day-to-day chore of living and paying bills that I haven’t really had time to do much else other than survive, let alone dream.

But today I noticed a message from one of my grad school friends, one who is working in the industry. He had forwarded me a few job listings related to architecture. A quick glance made them appear similar to so many other dead ends, that I was prepared to let them slide into obscurity.

But reading them struck a note, inciting a pang of emotion. A bittersweet feeling, of missed opportunity and what-could-have-been. It’s like when you see an ex somewhere, completely out of the blue. If you had known they were going to be there, you could have mentally prepared yourself. But instead you’re found with your defenses down and sent reeling. Even if it was a relationship that needed to end, it still hurts.

Is that what architecture is for me now? A path that has slipped wholly out of my grasp? If not, dare I reopen old wounds of rejection and failure? Would it be better to just move on?

Or is this the first stirring of new possibility, of something that could actually change my life for the better?

I honestly don’t know. There’s a lot of feels to work through, something I was not prepared to do today. It is true that I want to find a new job, get out of the early-mornings-and-weekends retail rut I’ve resigned myself to. I’m just not sure how best to go about that. Maybe this is the catalyst that can get me moving again. Or maybe it’s the salt that gets rubbed into an almost-healed wound. Or maybe I’m reading too much into this.

Yeah, probably that last one.

Yesterday, I spent some time looking back at 2013. It’s also traditional, however, to look forward into the next year, often making resolutions or setting goals.

Well, I’m not really going to do that. Resolutions seem made to be broken, and setting goals involves a lot more thought and decision-making than I’m feeling up to right now. Rather, I’m going to write about things I want to do, see, or have happen in the near future.

I want to keep on writing. Blogging has become part of my daily routine, and I’d like to keep it that way. I’d like to put more energy into it, however, try to make my daily posts a bit less perfunctory. Maybe even write some fiction; I’ve toyed with the idea of serializing one of my short stories, as a way of building up a (lot of) buffer. I just haven’t decided when to do it yet.

I want to find passion for my hobbies again. Right now, a lot of my friends seem to be coping with varying levels of SCA burnout. Even I’m finding myself less enthusiastic than I used to be, going to weekly practices far too often out of force of habit. Maybe teaching (which I plan to continue to do) will help with that, but I also want to further my own training.

I want to continue to work on improving my mental state, being more conscious of triggers and cues that herald a Funk, as well as maybe even talking to someone in a professional manner. It can’t hurt at this point.

But mostly, I want a better job. Being a retail grunt has outstayed its welcome. Architecture didn’t pan out, and I’m still feeling more than a bit burned by forces outside my control (read: recession). I want to start looking for other jobs, in fields closer to my passions. Maybe IT support. Maybe web design. Maybe even something where I can use my atrophying architectural design skills. I don’t know. I have so little experience looking for a job, let alone picking a career, I don’t know where to start. But something has to happen.

And of course (as well as to end on a lighter note), I want more LEGO.

So there you have it. A short list of not-goals and not-resolutions for the coming year. I haven’t the faintest idea how to accomplish most of these (except the LEGO one), but I’m sure I’ll figure something out. More likely than not I’ll forget this stuff, but maybe I’ll return to this list in the future, see how things are going. After all, I’ve written it down; that makes it real.

Anything could happen.

So, a new year. How about that?

Most places will be running articles about how to change your life in just 10 easy steps, or 29 things that will be the same and/or different for this trip around the sun. As ridiculous and sentimental as these types of things can get, who am I to jump off a bandwagon? I’d like to take a moment to look back at the year past, and maybe the year to come.

What changed during 2013? Well for one, my girlfriend and I moved. Due to mismatched lease terms, I had moved into her place back in September of 2012, but March marked the time when we “moved in together,” finding a space that would work for both of us. It’s been an interesting experience, living with someone else, and one I’ve gotten used to surprisingly quickly. I guess it really hit me when she went out of town to visit her parents over the holidays. I was shocked by how big and empty our four-square townhouse (with finished basement) felt, just by the absence of one person. I’ve lived in smaller places on my own, but never one this large.

My job situation has also improved slightly. True, I’m still working a retail job well outside any field I have actual skills in, but I’m no longer pushing carts in the sweltering heat and/or freezing cold. I’ve since moved inside, stocking shelves in the early morning (ugh) and helping people on the sales floor after opening (closer to yay). At least this way I get to use some of my tech savvy. I think some of the management is trying to groom me to become one of them, but I’d rather not make a career out of it.

I’ve also tried to become more cognizant of my mental state when it comes to SCA fighting and fencing. The head game seems to be the next plateau I need to break through; I just need to stop being so darn nice all the time.

I’ve started leading drills at fighter practice, filling a gap that’s been present for far too long.

I’m becoming more conscious of my depressive tendencies, trying to recognize and mitigate the Funks I tend to fall into. While not formally diagnosed, I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that my state of mind might be something other than my fault, and I should feel about as bad about falling into a Funk as I do about not being able to focus thanks to ADD (read: not at all).

I got a shiny new (big) TV. I started watching Doctor Who. I started experimenting with multiplayer Minecraft. My Steam library expanded (as did my backlog), and I even got around to completing some games and reading some books I’ve been meaning to.

And the biggest change, in case you couldn’t tell, is that I started blogging. I’ve toyed with the idea of writing regularly (mostly fiction) for years, but finally buckled down back in July and did something about it. I’ve been posting daily (for the most part) since. The writing has not always taken the direction I thought it would, in terms of format or subject, but I’ve stuck with it. Even if it feels like I’ve just been vomiting words onto a blank page to fill some arbitrary, self-imposed quota, I like to think that writing is still doing me some good.

And of course, with that, thank you for sticking with me and my writing. I know readers come and go, but I thank all of you who have come, stayed, even moved on. I hope you find my writing interesting enough, as I can’t always be the best judge of that. To those who have commented, thanks. To those lurkers who read and move on, maybe clicking “like” somewhere, I thank you too; I’m a lurker by nature as well. I wish you all a happy new year.

I often say I’m “too nice for my own good.” But what does that mean? I’ve touched briefly on what it means for my martial arts, but it also affects me in my day-to-day life. For me, it means that I tend to put other people’s concerns and needs well above my own, no matter how much it might inconvenience me or cause me to miss an opportunity. I’ll make sure someone else is happy before even considering my own needs. And while part of being a productive member of society is maintaining harmony, there is such thing as too much of a good thing.

Case in point: I recently had a friend call me with some computer troubleshooting issues. Now, being fairly tech-savvy and having worked in IT and A/V support, I have a pretty good working knowledge of computers. I couldn’t make sense of his problem over the phone, so I offered to make a house call. My friend was thankful of course, and we managed to fix the problem. But while in the car I started thinking: if I did this sort of thing for a living, would I be giving my skills away for free? And if not, does it make sense to do so?

One thing I learned going to school to study design (architecture in my case, but it holds for any creative field) is that the skill and talent it takes to “be creative” often goes unappreciated. You hear horror stories of young freelancers who are asked for samples or to do “spec work” without pay or any sort of contract. These people often end up sinking hours into projects that never end up paying. So one of the things our professors stressed to us is to never give our skills away for free. This has several purposes: it gets you paid for your expertise, and it makes sure your clients value your contribution.

So in that light, why was I on my way over to a friend’s house, taking time out of my schedule, to do something that didn’t really benefit me that much? Why wasn’t I charging even a nominal fee to do what other people do professionally? Is it because I think I’m worthless? That last question may seem a bit hyperbolic, but it really is the central issue. If I don’t value myself and my own fields of expertise, how can I expect anyone else to?

All these thoughts went through my head, at a time when I’m finally feeling ready to consider looking for a better job. Since architecture doesn’t seem to be panning out, I need to look at other skills I possess, other ways I could make a market for myself, rather than trying to break into one that seems to be out of my reach. And the idea of freelance IT service is one I’ve toyed with in the past; even if people with my skills seem to be a dime a dozed from my point of view, clearly not everyone feels that way. Otherwise we’d all be solving our own computer problems.

So yeah. I guess improving my sense of self-worth is something to work on for the coming year. Maybe if I can value myself enough I can get other people to do the same. With money, even!