Category Archives: Personal

Getting To The Big Questions

Yesterday’s post felt awfully whiny, and for that I apologize. I guess it’s just hard for me to get into “the Christmas Spirit” (whatever that means) these days. Most holidays don’t seem to faze me, to be honest. Sure, I’m thankful for the day off or whatever, but everything else just strikes me as blasé. Maybe it’s because I don’t really have a strong sense of time; one day feels like the next, and without outside markers it can be hard to really be aware of the passage of time. Part of getting golder, I guess.

But that enough downer stuff. The good news is my PC build research is progressing! The interminable sea of numbers and acronyms is slowly but surely starting to make sense. There’s still a lot of questions that need answered, but I’m avoiding those for the moment and trying to enjoy looking at all the fancy motherboards and graphics cards and whatnot.

One of the big things I’m struggling with is the AMD/Intel question. Like anything, there are advantages and disadvantages to both choices, and finding balanced, objective analysis beyond “it depends what you’re going for” online is hard to say the least. Sure, AMD chips tend to run cheaper, but Intel chips tend to be faster. I’ll admit to being a little biased by previous experience, as well: all my past computers have been Intel/Nvidia setups, so the Intel naming scheme makes a lot more sense to me. With AMD, I have to completely re-learn the naming schemes and product tiers.

And choosing something merely because it “makes sense” seems a really shallow approach to me. But I can’t seem to help but be influenced by it. Maybe I just need to take some time and really dig into the numbers and details, but then of course I run the risk of information overload, and being even less able to make a decision than usual.

So yeah, I don’t know. Right now I’m leaning towards an Intel setup, mostly because that’s what I’m most familiar with. And who knows: maybe familiarity is a valid concern when doing something as potentially complicated as building a computer from scratch. And to be honest, I’m probably not going to learn too much more the deeper I dig, because there is a lot of information out there, and by the time I got through it all I’d have to start over because something new and better will have come along.

I will say it’s comforting to know that there’s plenty of resources online, like Logical Increments, Reddit, and even a build generator to make things nice and easy. And while I don’t want to go with something just because I read it on a list written by someone I don’t know, I have to start somewhere.

What Do You Want?

Christmas is always a weird time of year for me.  The question that gets thrown around a lot is “What do you want for Christmas?”  And for whatever reason, that simple phrase comes to dominate the feeling of the season for me.  It doesn’t help that my answer is often “I don’t know,” or that I have to convince myself that I “deserve” presents and nice things.

I’ve reached a point in my life where I have most of the things I need, and asking for socks or similar is just boring.  And the stuff I don’t have I can quite easily go out and obtain for myself.  Of course there’s stuff I want.  But these days, the stuff I want is expensive enough I don’t feel comfortable asking someone else to buy it for me.  A $30 game is one thing, but a $350 graphics card?  That gets awkward.

And just asking for money is awkward in its own way.  I know that I have a bad habit of squirreling away cash in my savings account, then not really ever doing anything with it.  But that totally defeats the purpose of the gift!  And giving someone money isn’t as fulfilling as giving them a more tangible gift.

But that’s the situation I find myself in this year.  The things I want (not that I need them) are expensive, and mostly have to do with building a new computer.  So when asked the titular question, don’t be surprised if I answer “I don’t know, computer monies?”  Because that’s all I’m coming up with.

Bah humbug.

Oops, Oh Well

So I realized late Saturday morning, as I was on my way to an SCA event, that I had forgotten to post last Friday. And that if I thought about it, I had forgotten to post on Thursday as well. Um… oops?

I could say a lot of things in my defense. We had people in town from the home office, which messed up my usual routine. I rushed out of work Thursday night so that we could entertain our Midwestern guests at Yak & Yeti (oh, the horror). That I just completely forgot, felt guilty, then felt even more guilty for not feeling guiltier in the first place (did you follow that twisted logic?).

And then today was a weird day. I passed most of the day in a fairly productive fugue, drafting nearly my entire time in the office. But while I got a good amount done, it left me in an odd head space, poorly situated for engaging with the outside world. A hyperfocus hangover, if you will.

So that’s where I’m at. Feeling bad about not posting, but not as bad as I might. After all, blogging daily is a self-imposed obligation, one that can chafe more sometimes than others. So I’m going to try and not worry about it. I’m also going to try and not get as deep into things at work tomorrow. It’s true I’ve got a lot to do, but draining myself more than necessary doesn’t sound like a good idea in the long term.

Completionist

I guess part of the angst I feel from my video game collection comes from the fact that I’m something of a completionist. For whatever reason, I feel that not managing to finish something I’ve started is some sort of gross personal failure on my part.

It’s not just video games I feel this with. I can’t tell you how many books I’ve read that I was only mildly interested in that I’ve plowed through just to say I didn’t leave it half done. I mean, that’s pretty much what got me through the Wheel of Time series while I was in college. This drive is what got me through grad school, when they were actively trying to weed us out.

Seriously, though. Wheel of Time? Each book was longer, taking place over a smaller and smaller period of time. One even took place in the past.

But I digress. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, on some level, each unfinished game in my collection feels like a failure. Each one represents something I set out to do/play/experience that hasn’t happened yet.

Of course, my use of The Backloggery doesn’t help that mindset at all. My number of unplayed and unfinished games is right there at the top of the list, for all to see. And the language they use, while designed to encourage people to work through their backlog, can make me feel more guilty when I’m in a dark state of mind.

But I don’t always feel this way. I haven’t even come close to reading every book in my collection, especially now that I’ve picked up several ebook bundles. And yet I don’t feel nearly as guilty bout that as I do about my video game collection. And it’s not like my purchasing habits between the two are really that different; when I don’t get them from the library, I tend to buy used books, especially if the bookstore is having some sort of “3 for $4, 20 for $10” special.

Although that is a good point. I don’t tend to buy many books these days (aside from ebook bundles), but I am still actively buying video games. So there’s much more of a feeling of “sunk cost” with video games. And given how I’m often frugal to a fault, a part of me likely resents any money I spend on “non-essentials.”

Thinking and writing about this has helped. If nothing else, it’s made me realize the ridiculousness of resenting one collection of entertainment media over one equally unengaged. Remembering that all the time is of course going to be a challenge, but at least I’m feeling better about it now.

Prolonged Uptime

Ever have one of those nights where you just can’t fall asleep? Yeah, last night was kinda like that for me.

Every once in a while I’ll find myself awake into the wee hours of the morning. Maybe I’m reading. Maybe my brain just can’t turn off. But for whatever reason, sometimes I just end up staying up far later than I should. It only happens to me occasionally, so it’s not really too much of a bad thing. It’s just that sometimes my body doesn’t want to sleep.

I used to have more of a problem with this. As a kid, my brain would churn incessantly over the most inconsequential topics. Even worse, it wouldn’t stay on one subject long enough to reach any sort of conclusion or resolution. Maybe it’s one of the side effects of ADD, but my subconscious seems to be a notorious channel surfer. When it’s left lacking the stimulation that comes with light and external events, it seems to kick the imagination into overdrive.

The main way I’ve dealt with this in the past is what I’ve come to refer to as the Exhaustion Method. It involves staying awake to the point where you literally cannot keep your eyes open any longer. Maybe it’s by reading a book until your eyes burn and the dreams start bleeding into the story. Maybe it’s waiting for your tablet to finally die before turning out the lights. Maybe it’s getting out of a perfectly nice, warm bed to write a blog post well after midnight.

Of course, this method is not without its downsides. For one, it sometimes doesn’t work. Sometimes I try to get up and do something, just to get it out of my system, but I only end up staying up even later, occasionally not sleeping at all (luckily only very occasionally). But the biggest issue is of course the cumulative effects of lack of sleep. The first day after staying up late generally isn’t that bad; it’s the day after the day after that things really start to get squirrely. Not to mention the ill effects of several nights in a row of this sort of thing.

I guess it is a form of minor insomnia, but it strikes me infrequently enough to mostly be entertaining. And the whole “brain won’t turn off” thing has definitely gotten better over the years. Which is good, since I inevitably don’t function as well with no sleep as I used to.

Not much else to say, really. Just up way later than I should be, feeling a bit guilty about not writing earlier and trying to get something out of my system so I can be functional for work tomorrow.

Wanting To Escape

I’ve been thinking a bit about why my night of checking out earlier this week was so effective in helping me relax and recharge. After all, I spent the evening playing video games; isn’t that a “bad” thing to do? Isn’t that a “waste” of my time? Does the fact that I was that desperate to play video games speak to some unhealthy habit on my part?

I’ve touched on this before, but I have an odd relationship with video games. I really enjoy them, but growing up they were framed to me as an inconsequential pastime, something to be experienced in small doses so they didn’t interfere with more worthy pursuits. And I think I internalized the whole “games don’t have many redeeming qualities” thing a little too well, so there’s a part of me that always feels a little guilty indulging in one of my big hobbies.

But the more I think about it, I think my break earlier this week was less about playing video games and more about escaping. Video games, in addition to letting us feel a sense of accomplishment, also provide us with an alternate world to experience and enjoy, in the same way that fiction books, television, and movies do. And I think that’s more what I needed: an escape, a break from the day-to-day world that had been demanding a level of engagement that was starting to break me down.

I also think that there was a slightly more petulant reason behind my night off: not having been able to sit down and play video games for a while. Remember back to when you were a young kid (or your last dealings with a child). What was the best way to get you to want to do something? That’s right, telling you you couldn’t. Suddenly, that thing you were only slightly interested in became a much bigger thing because it was verboten. Want a cookie? Well, not that you can’t have one, you really want it. Can’t play with that toy? Well, it might as well be the end of the world.

So I think my need for a video game binge resulted from a number of factors. One, I was running very low on spoons. Two, I needed to escape from the inconvenient reality of normal life for a while. And three, I wanted to play video games because I hadn’t been able to. Luckily I got some time in, and I’m feeling much better. And I also don’t have to do much this weekend, so that should help even more. Plus, next week is a short week because of the Turkey Day celebrations. So if everything goes well, I might have enough mental energy to successfully navigate the holiday festivities. And that’s a good thing.

Soft Reset

So I’m definitely feeling better after last night’s video game binge. I think I had just driven myself too long without enough down time. Because if I do the math, I’ve basically been going straight for almost three weeks. How? Well, the weekend of the 8th I headed down to Coronation. It was fun, but leaving after work on Friday, driving down for two days, and arriving back Sunday evening didn’t exactly make for a restful weekend. Then last weekend, I headed up to the mountains with friends for a getaway/RPG weekend. While not as draining as Coronation, it was still a good amount of people in a smallish space with not much alone time. And of course the cherry on top, work has been stressful for a variety of reasons this week (long story short: clients are dumb).

A part of me looks at this and thinks “Oh no, poor you, why don’t you just cowboy up and soldier through? It can’t be that bad, after all. It’s not like you’re working 24/7, right?” And this is true. But telling myself to “just feel better” isn’t exactly constructive feedback. Especially when I made the switch from feeling drained to feeling depressed.

So while I still feel a bit bad that I skipped out on fighter practice to play video games, I stand by my earlier statement that it was better for me in the long run to do so. After all, I’ve missed practice before, and I’ve generally had a good reason to do so. I just have to remind myself that “needing time off” is perfectly valid. Even if from the outside it looks like I’m slacking.

Mental Health Break

No practice for me tonight. I’m clearly in the middle of a depressive funk so I’m just going to go home and play video games. Not much energy for a post either. I thought least realized I’m in a funk, so hopefully that’s a good thing. But yeah, aside from that I don’t really have much to say right now. I am dictating this to my phone on my way home from work, so that’s kind of cool.

I’m just tired. And I think I just overextended myself socially the past few weeks, which while fun, has left me more drained than I thought. And well I do kind of want to go to practice, I need the downtime too. And that night be more useful than hitting my friends with sticks right now, as sad as that sounds.

Anyway, I’m hungry, and I think I’ve said as much as I can on the matter at the moment. , and the text to speech thing is starting to defy me. So have a good night and all that, hopefully I’ll feel better tomorrow.

Not Quite Pulling Teeth

I’ve been finding it really hard to write lately. For whatever reason, blogging has felt more like an obligation and less like a hobby. It’s something I have to remind myself to do, something that often makes me feel guilty when I don’t. I’ll be looking forward to a nice quiet night of video games and very little human contact until I think “oh wait, I still have to blog today,” which tends to bring down my mood.

But at the same time, I really don’t want to stop blogging. It’s just that I don’t seem to have much to say about things, and I keep getting easily distracted. For instance: it’s almost 9pm as I write this. What I meant to do upon getting home after grocery shopping was put away groceries, write quickly, then start a new video game. What I have done is put away groceries, sort out junk mail, surf the Internet, watch a few videos, buy a few games on sale, waste time on Clicker Heroes (one of those idle games that will suck your concentration, accomplishes nothing, and I can’t stop playing), and finally, write yet another post about how writing is hard.

Maybe I’m just low on energy in general. The past few weeks have been busy, and I’ve missed posting the past few Fridays because I’ve gone out of town for one reason or another. And while those trips have been really enjoyable, it’s still taken a lot out of me. Luckily I’ve got a free weekend between now and Thanksgiving, otherwise I’m not sure what I’d do.

But because I’m so drained, things are piling up, both pleasure and obligations. I can’t help but think that something’s going to have to give. I just really don’t want it to be this blog. But I don’t know what I can do. I’ve thought about putting it on hiatus, queuing up some of the fiction I wrote in college to keep new content coming. But I don’t want to use that option until I have to. After all, what would I do if I needed more some time later?

I don’t know. I’m just tired. But at least I’m still writing.

Too Many Choices, Not Enough Time

So I finally have some down time tonight (sure, I had to sacrifice practice for it, but that’s beside the point) and what do I do? I pass the time with a stupid click/idle flash game because I can’t decide what I want to do.

There’s of course a bunch of stuff I should do, whether packing for the weekend or doing something about the backlog of volunteer webmastering I’m still on the hook for. There’s also a bunch of stuff I want to do, mostly in the form of video games I want to try. I’m itching to get to my backlog, maybe for the simple reason that I can’t right now.

I’m starting to see why people take personal days off of work. While the past week or so has been fun, I’ve done some math and figured that with my weekend activities past and future I’ll have gone 19 days without a day completely off to do nothing. Even my evenings are going to be few and far between with travel time and practices.

But that’s not what I started out wanting to write about. Mostly I’m annoyed by how breadth of choice can have a paralyzing effect on actually being able to make said choice. I mean, it’s 9h30 and I’m already getting to the point where I just want to curl into bed. If I had more energy, I might write something more profound about that. But not today.

Oh well.