I have a few different New Year’s Resolutions. 1920×1200. 1280×800. 1024×768. 1920×1080. 1280×720. 1440×900. My laptop, tablet, second monitor, television, phone, and what I typically use for games, respectively.

Okay, it’s a lame nerd joke, I know. But I was thinking about resolutions today, being the new year and all. I was thinking about them while I was putting off writing my blog post for the day. And that’s when I realized: resolutions (that is, goals made in the heat of the new year’s regeneration frenzy) don’t make my life better. In fact, they might actually make it worse.

Most people make resolutions to better themselves. They want to lose weight, or write more, or finally take that trip they’ve been dreaming about. But the truth is, most of these achievements are unrealistic. They don’t want to “work hard at getting more in shape;” they just want to “be a size n-1.” They want to be something else, but don’t realize the hard work it will inevitably take to get there.

It’s no secret that most resolutions fail in short order. To think mine would be any different isn’t the most humble of worldviews. So if I made resolutions, and they are more likely than not to be broken, where would that leave me?

Feeling guilty about broken promises and unmet goals, that’s where.

It takes a lot of work to change one’s habits and/or personality. One of my loose, resolution-ish type things for this year was to be more disciplined with my writing. Needless to say, that hasn’t happened yet; I did my usual internet surfing/time passing thing, then finally got around to writing once my girlfriend had left work (which meant I had to finish before she got home). In other words, the inexorable pull of ADD was yet again too much.

As this happened, I started feeling guilty (something at which I have plenty of practice). Here I was, the earliest days of a new year, and already falling back into old habits. The Funk leered at me from around the corner; it could smell the direction of my thoughts, and they were tasty.

But I stopped myself (something at which I’m getting better) and realized the irrationality of what I was telling myself. Why would I think that a date clicking over would be like some switch being magically thrown in my head, turning me into a shining exemplar of punctuality and productivity? That’s as silly as thinking that I will wake up next Tuesday and be able to digest dairy, or that my ADD will magically fade into the aether. In other words, dumb.

So yeah, no resolutions for me. That’s not to say I don’t want to better myself. But a better way to do that, rather than digging pit traps for myself, is to avoid known triggers and setting myself up to fail. I’m going to try to take a less rigorous, hands-on approach to the next year. If I succeed in getting what I want, great! If not, then so it goes. Life’s too short to be neurotic. I’d rather be content.

Did you know that a ton of stuff is closed on Christmas? I know, it’s news to me, too! It’s like people actually stay home and spend time with friends/family/pets instead of going out into the world. It’s like the entire population needs a rest after the consumerist orgy leading up to the date itself.

But enough sarcasm. I was driving around yesterday, getting together with friends for breakfast and a movie (don’t worry, the family got Christmas Eve), when I was struck at how empty everything seemed. Entire parking lots of shopping malls and big box stores were completely devoid of automobile or pedestrian traffic. Not just a small crowd, like you’d get at 2am on a work day, but completely and utterly empty. I think that may have been the first time I had seen all of those lots empty at the same time. To be honest, it looked post-apocalyptic; empty parking lots, offices locked up with the lots out, and no more than a handful of other cars driving on the roads.

I suppose this shouldn’t come as a surprise, though. But I’m so used to at least Walmart being open, that remembering that everything closes for Christmas can be tough. My girlfriend and I ran afoul of this a few years ago. We had both met up with our friends and their breakfast party, but by the time the movie got done we were ravenous. So we drove around, looking for something, anything that was open for lunch on Christmas day. Heck, even the Chinese restaurants were closed!

Finally, we ended up at Denny’s, and they served us food. And while I do feel sorry when people have to work on Christmas, I’m thankful that they do. That seemed to be about the only thing that was open: diners and movie theaters.

If this is disjointed, it’s because it’s well past my bedtime as I write this. I meant to do it earlier, but a little game called Rogue Legacy ended up stealing my day. Plus, my mind keeps wandiering to weird places, often with no anchor in reality.

So yeah, happy holidays. I may revisit this later, with more sleep, but now I must go.

I’m still feeling a bit out of sorts, so here’s another short entry. Late, but still a post for the day.

One nice thing about my recent hard drive issues is it made me really think about what I really needed on my computer. Over time, a computer inevitably accumulates cruft, useless programs and files that may have been useful (or at least interesting) at one point, but are doomed to languish forgotten in the cobwebbed corners of the C drive.

And my laptop was no exception. I had a number of programs taking up space that hadn’t been used in months, if not years. I hadn’t touched AutoCAD or Revit since graduating with my oh-so-useful debt lump architecture degree. I hadn’t opened RealPlayer to since I discovered VLC and Spotify, and even then I was only using it to rip audio CDs, which I hadn’t bought for the longest time. At least I had backed up my grad school work, but that was on there for much longer than it had to be. And that’s not even mentioning the games.

I had a lot of games installed. In fact, I would say that my Steam directory was by far the largest one on my hard drive. In fact, I even moved partitions around in order to gain more space. The funny thing is, these weren’t even games I was actively playing. A lot of them I had installed to try out, likely because I was bored. But then I’d get distracted by some other game, or get bored and install another one. And I wouldn’t bother uninstalling them, because I was still “playing” them, even if they hadn’t been opened for months.

In fact, I think the sheer number of games I had installed may have contributed to my ennui with so many of them: with so many options, none of them stood out. So I would bounce from game to game, not getting anywhere in any of them. It’s kinda like trying to read multiple books at the same time: you don’t get anywhere, and just end up confused and annoyed.

So since my SSD upgrade, I’m going to try to limit what games I have installed. I’m going to try to ensure that they are only games I am currently interested in playing. And not just in a “could be fun” way, but actually interested and progressing through. Maybe by limiting my options I’ll make what is readily available more appealing.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go throw that all out the window for the Humble Bundle.

One of the perks of being an introvert and spending so much (read: too much) time in one’s own head, is that you can’t help but end up with some semblance of self-awareness. This, coupled with my goal of writing every day (and thus having to find subjects to talk about), has kept me thinking. Especially about my Funks. In fact, I may have discovered one of my triggers.

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About a week and a half ago, while assailed by a Funk, I wrote about all the things I felt I didn’t have time to do, and how that was stressing me out. Now that I have clawed my way free of that Funk (realizing how silly you’re being works!), I can approach things a bit more rationally. Obviously, not all of the things I listed were “projects” in the sense that they have a deadline, or even a possible end. But I was not thinking straight, and could only see how much I “had” to do, in contrast with how little time or energy I had to do it (at that moment).

But now that I’m out of that Funk, I’ve started thinking about some of those things, primarily my teaching efforts in the SCA. I realized that I had lumped together two different projects, both with the potential to be quite large, and at very different stages of progress.

Getting fencing drills back up and running is something I’ve been thinking about for quite a while. It’s taken me at least this long to get comfortable with the new style, and I’ve been brainstorming curriculum for about a month. It’s gotten to a point where I feel I can do some beta testing with small groups, and responses seem to be good so far. Case in point: last week I was planning on leading drills for a few people, around three. Eight ended up showing up. Even the week before, when I had just been testing the drills with my girlfriend (to make sure they made sense to someone other than me), I ended up talking with other people about them. I’ve gotten some good feedback, and hope to start “official” drills next week/month (tell your friends!).

Heavy, on the other hand, is in a different place. The (current) drive for these drills seems to largely have been sparked by the Oplomachia seminar last month. And while it was awesome, Oplomachia is effectively a new fighting style, similar but not identical to what has developed locally. As a result, I found myself in a position of having to rush to learn things enough to be comfortable teaching them. That hasn’t really happened; I know enough to realize how much I don’t know, and I feel it would be unprofessional to lead people astray through uninformed but well-intentioned instruction on my part.

To prepare two wholly separate curricula would be difficult at the best of times, let alone when you’re still in the process of learning one yourself. So I think I would be doing both efforts a disservice if I continued both efforts equally. As such, I feel I need to step back from the development of heavy drills and concentrate on the fencing ones, since those were farther along to start.

That is not to say I won’t be doing and facilitating drills in heavy, just that I don’t feel comfortable at this point leading them. For my own peace of mind, I need to let things stew and develop a bit more. Maybe in a few month’s time I’ll have enough experience that my feelings will change, but for the time being I feel I need to be a student more than a teacher. Luckily there are other experienced fighters (my knight included) that want to see more training and drilling happen that there is already enough impetus to make sure these things happen.

So in summary: I will continue to lead fencing drills, and will participate (but not necessarily direct) in heavy drills for the foreseeable future.

Hope to see you there!

You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. —Tyler Durden

Today’s quote is a little bit different than yesterday’s, but speaks to another issue I have.

You are not your job.

I have a strong innate tendency to define myself by what I do for a living, both internally and the way I present myself to others. When I was in school, I was obviously a student. When I worked at DU after graduation, I was an A/V technician. I’ve even been a martial arts instructor.

But now?

Now I work retail.

I think it goes without saying that my current job is not one I dreamed about growing up. Somehow, I ended up with a stigma attached to menial, low-end jobs, and having to take one really did a number on my self-confidence and self-image. Did I really want to think of myself as a cart pusher? As a warehouse stocker? As a retail grunt?

That’s when I realized: I am not my job. If I let what I “do for a living” define me, I am limiting myself, putting myself in someone else’s nice, convenient box. And that is no way to achieve fulfillment, or even adequacy. I can be so much more that a retail grunt in a dead end job, but if I limit myself to that mental box there is no way I’m going to be happy. When in the box, any free time or energy gets directed towards inner escapism, to dull the pain the cramped quarters of the box enforce.

I’ve heard it said that our habit of breaking the conversational ice by asking something along the lines of “What do you do for a living?” is a uniquely American question. We, as a culture, derive so much of our self-worth from what we “do for a living,” how we make our money, to buy our things, to escape our dull, meaningless jobs. I’m guilty of this myself, both the self-definition and asking that question; it provides an easy opener to find some common ground.

But why does it have to be that way? One thing being in the SCA has taught (and is teaching) me is how little that mundane, day-to-day life has to matter. In the SCA, you have rocket scientists sitting next to truck drivers, discussing the best way to hit a man in the head, while a scary biker dune (who might be a middle school teacher) knits a cap for one of the children running around. Heck, I have friends in the SCA that I have no idea what they do for a living! It’s of that little importance!

So yeah, I stock shelves. But I am also a martial artist, a writer, a gamer, and might just have a small LEGO problem. I am not my job.

And neither are you.

You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. —Tyler Durden

Today’s quote is a little bit different than yesterday’s, but speaks to another issue I have.

You are not your job.

I have a strong innate tendency to define myself by what I do for a living, both internally and the way I present myself to others. When I was in school, I was obviously a student. When I worked at DU after graduation, I was an A/V technician. I’ve even been a martial arts instructor.

But now?

Now I work retail.

I think it goes without saying that my current job is not one I dreamed about growing up. Somehow, I ended up with a stigma attached to menial, low-end jobs, and having to take one really did a number on my self-confidence and self-image. Did I really want to think of myself as a cart pusher? As a warehouse stocker? As a retail grunt?

That’s when I realized: I am not my job. If I let what I “do for a living” define me, I am limiting myself, putting myself in someone else’s nice, convenient box. And that is no way to achieve fulfillment, or even adequacy. I can be so much more that a retail grunt in a dead end job, but if I limit myself to that mental box there is no way I’m going to be happy. When in the box, any free time or energy gets directed towards inner escapism, to dull the pain the cramped quarters of the box enforce.

I’ve heard it said that our habit of breaking the conversational ice by asking something along the lines of “What do you do for a living?” is a uniquely American question. We, as a culture, derive so much of our self-worth from what we “do for a living,” how we make our money, to buy our things, to escape our dull, meaningless jobs. I’m guilty of this myself, both the self-definition and asking that question; it provides an easy opener to find some common ground.

But why does it have to be that way? One thing being in the SCA has taught (and is teaching) me is how little that mundane, day-to-day life has to matter. In the SCA, you have rocket scientists sitting next to truck drivers, discussing the best way to hit a man in the head, while a scary biker dune (who might be a middle school teacher) knits a cap for one of the children running around. Heck, I have friends in the SCA that I have no idea what they do for a living! It’s of that little importance!

So yeah, I stock shelves. But I am also a martial artist, a writer, a gamer, and might just have a small LEGO problem. I am not my job.

And neither are you.

Consider this entry a Public Service Announcement, as well as a rant about First World Problems.

A few weeks ago, my oh-so-high-tech flip phone started acting up. When opened, the screen would be distorted and filled with all manner of glitchy colors. The first time this happened I thought nothing of it. Even the second time, I was able to rationalize it away. After all, it had only happened at work, and could usually be fixed with a quick Open-Close-Open sequence. Maybe if I ignored the problem, it would go away.

But of course, it didn’t go away. In fact, it started to worsen. The screen started glitching while I was at home, and eventually I had to turn it off and on again to be able to see anything. After a while, even that stopped working; now, when I flip open my phone, all I see is a bright white screen.

Long story short, my phone is borked. It’s probably a problem with the screen connection, and given that I have a 4-year-old flip phone, that’s not exactly unexpected. And since my cell phone is the only phone I have, this has the potential to be a serious issue. Luckily, it still makes and receives calls. But since I can’t use the screen, I can’t exactly read or reply to any texts, which have become a surprisingly handy means of communication for me, given the awkward input of a numpad.

I repeat: any texts you send me will go unread and unanswered.

I suppose I’ve been talking about upgrading to a smartphone for a while, and this would be a great opportunity to do so. The problem is, I can’t afford it. I’m still on my family’s calling plan, which was great while in grad school. But I’ve wanted to get my own plan for a while, mostly for my own peace of mind. The problem with that is there’s a significant jump in monthly fees if I go solo, even for basic calling plans. And with a budget already stretched tight by underemployment, credit card bills, and student loan payments, that’s just not realistic. Plus, I’m not sure I would want to sign a two-year contract for a basic phone; I’d like to think that my financial situation will improve, and I can get a smartphone to tinker with in the not-too-distant future.

So where does that leave me? Well, I could find a used phone on Craigslist or eBay and activate that. I could also look at one of the “alternative” carriers that offer prepaid service at a steep discount. I hear it’s pretty easy to transfer your number these days. There’s even some unique companies out there, like Republic Wireless, which offers smartphone plans on the cheap with the expectation that you spend most of your time on wifi. Interesting concept, but I’m not sure if it would be too much of a compromise. That, and I don’t like making decisions.

So yeah. Does anyone have any experience with any of the smaller carriers, like Boost, Cricket, Straight Talk, etc.? Or even (I kinda hate to ask) an old Verizon phone they’re no longer using?

Hey, guess what? I actually had the weekend off work! Sure, I had to request it, but I managed to get both days even though I only requested the one. That probably makes me happier than it should, but as a result, I was able to go to MileHiCon.

MileHiCon is an annual science fiction convention in Denver (the “Mile High City.” Get it?) in late October. There’s usually a weekend’s worth of programming, from panels about various nerdy interests (one this year was about J.J. Abrams and his effect on Star Trek and Star Wars, or as I called it, “Nerd Rage Cricle-Jerk), to tips and tricks for burgeoning writers and costumers. And like any event filled with cool stuff, there are inevitably multiple interesting things to go to in one time slot.

I’ve gone to several MileHiCons at this point, and have had fun at each one. Especially fun has been going in costume; although MileHiCon isn’t a big one for hall costumes, you still see a few interesting ones around. This year, for instance, I went as a steampunk mad scientist à la Doctor Steel or Doctor Horrible. Fun fact: I made the costume myself! The coat was originally a pattern for a priest’s cassock, and the goggles are actually paper and cardboard tubes. But what’s really awesome is the working iris, also made out of paper!

Tasty Ice Cream… FOR SCIENCE!

So Saturday, I and my group of friends went in costume. We ended up getting stopped for photos quite often, but that’s part of the experience of going to cons in costumes. I only made it to a few panels (one tends to get talking to friends for long stretches of time), but I did get to a fun one about mad scientists and what makes them mad rather than just frustrated or miffed. One of the panelists had quite the plan to destroy the earth. You should probably keep your vaccinations current (not that it would help). All in all, it was a fun day hanging out with my friends.

But Sunday was really fun. I hadn’t been to MileHiCon more than one day in the past, mostly because the programming seemed more sparse, and on a student’s budget (both time and money) things added up quickly. The main feature is the Critter Crunch, a long-running robot competition in the vein of BattleBots.

It. Was. Awesome.

We watched both tournaments: the 2-lb and the 20-lb divisions. I wish I remembered more details, but it was really fun watching remote control machines thrash about trying to knock each other out of the ring. By the end, we were even critiquing design decisions and fighting philosophies: fast, light and agile; or slow, heavy, and stable. Both had advantages and disadvantages, and there were a lot of interesting battles that didn’t go the way I would have expected. It was so awesome, in fact, it got me and my engineer friends itching to try it for ourselves. After all, we all need another expensive, time-consuming hobby.

I know this entry is really short, and ended up glossing over a lot of the things I wanted to talk about, but it’s my blog, so deal with it. Just know that I had a really good time at MileHiCon, and if you didn’t make it, you really missed out. Especially the Critter Crunch.

I’ve gotten out of the habit of writing. I ended up burning through my buffer over the past few days; not something I meant to do. So to get back in the swing of things, I’m going to try writing some easy posts about random things. Things may be a bit disjointed.

Ah, autumn! Continue reading →